For some reason this year it just didn't feel like Christmas yet. I wanted another week or two. I feel that I didn't really get into the whole super cold weather and "holiday cheer" stuff. But then on Christmas it started to snow during the afternoon for a few hours it was fantastic. It's the first time it's snowed here on Christmas in 17 years. Then my dads side of the family came over....
they are the biggest bunch of lunatics no joke.
My cousin is permanently ill but there's a point where babying him is just toooo much. I swear he's going to end up like the guy from psycho keeping his dead mothers body in his basement pretending to be her when he's like 40. She seriously asked him after he went to the bathroom "did you wash? Did you put the seat down? Did you use toilet paper?" seriously what the hell haha god that caught me so off guard. Later on she asked him if she could help him cut up his ham for him..... oh yeah... and he's 12!
I didn't really get anything I asked for for Christmas but oh well. I think i got like a lint roller and that was the most exciting gift I got because I can never find one for me jacket. It was fun making fun of my dads family with mom though after they left.
My dads brothers gift takes the cake though. He is going through his midlife crisis and decided to give the entire family a mixed CD of songs that "move" him. How pathetic and cheap can you get. He just moved to Ireland so hopefully at least I can weasel a trip over there for his upcoming "nuptuals" to some kraut.

Working Christmas eve was pretty nuts. I can't believe how many people save all their shopping till the last minute. I'm kind of happy it's over and hopefully I can get all my bills paid now and such before its too late.
debt is one of the most sickening feelings.

So life has been kind of blah lately but I feel like things are picking up. I'm making money again paying my bills possibility of moving again I've got my close friends back. Went out to sushi with Lee today and watched the movie AWAKE it was pretty okay don't know if you have to see it in theaters but deffinatley wasn't oh god i knew that was going to happen thriller.

Tyra has a god complex

So I've got tonsillitis again for about the 500th time in the past year and a half. On Monday I have an appointment to talk with a ear nose and throat specialist about finally getting my tonsils removed I guess I have some thing where I've had tonsillitis and strep so much that my tonsils are permanently enlarged. gross. So I was reading about tonsillectomies in adults and some say that the recovery hurts worse than child birth. Oh god. the recovery time is about 2 to 3 weeks and there can be abnormal bleeding in the the throat. I'm really nervous and I haven't even scheduled the surgery yet. Christmas is coming up soon. I usually ADORE this time of year but it seems to soon I feel like I'm being rushed towards Christmas. I'm not even going to be able to afford Christmas shopping until the 20th of December. I went to Chemeketa to turn in my Psychology book (what B.S. class) and they told me it wasn't worth anything because they changed the edition. Seriously Someone should come up with an idea for renting text books. pay like 5 bucks each month for every text you have out. It's smart then you're guaranteed not to be stuck with a book that's worthless. I think I failed both my classes this term trying to work too much. It's really frustrating. I'm a b student and I failed for the first time in college. Oh well finals are over and it's Christmas break now!

So I had a thought the other day.....If the idea of Christianity leads to heaven who does Christ worship? Himself? Another religious icon? Maybe he's just really really really narcissistic. Like "heaven" is just a big church devoted to himself with stain glass pictures of all the "amazing" things he's done so he can look at himself every day. Kind of like Tyra Banks on her talk show and "Americas' Next Top Model"

Anyways I have to go into work today at least I talked them down to only working for 4 hours instead of 9. I still feel like my head is going to explode. I'm supposed to work tomorrow but I Really don't want to. I'd rather go to Portland and powells with Jess. YAY biggest book store on the west coast. It really is amazing it's an entire city block and like 3 stories full of books. Is it wrong to fake your own death to get out of work?

Jessica SImpsons

For some reason I decided it would be festive to listen to the only Christmas cd i could find which happened to be a Jessica Simpson Christmas C.D. which is enough to induce suicide.

sickness

So I've got tonsillitis again for about the 500th time in the past year and a half. On Monday I have an appointment to talk with a ear nose and throat specialist about finally getting my tonsils removed I guess I have some thing where I've had tonsillitis and strep so much that my tonsils are permanently enlarged. gross. So I was reading about tonsillectomies in adults and some say that the recovery hurts worse than child birth. Oh god. the recovery time is about 2 to 3 weeks and there can be abnormal bleeding in the the throat. I'm really nervous and I haven't even scheduled the surgery yet. Christmas is coming up soon. I usually ADORE this time of year but it seems to soon I feel like I'm being rushed towards Christmas. I'm not even going to be able to afford Christmas shopping until the 20th of December. I went to Chemeketa to turn in my Psychology book (what B.S. class) and they told me it wasn't worth anything because they changed the edition. Seriously Someone should come up with an idea for renting text books. pay like 5 bucks each month for every text you have out. It's smart then you're guaranteed not to be stuck with a book that's worthless. I think I failed both my classes this term trying to work too much. It's really frustrating. I'm a b student and I failed for the first time in college. Oh well finals are over and it's Christmas break now!

So I had a thought the other day.....If the idea of Christianity leads to heaven who does Christ worship? Himself? Another religious icon? Maybe he's just really really really narcissistic. Like "heaven" is just a big church devoted to himself with stain glass pictures of all the "amazing" things he's done so he can look at himself every day. Kind of like Tyra Banks on her talk show and "Americas' Next Top Model"

Anyways I have to go into work today at least I talked them down to only working for 4 hours instead of 9. I still feel like my head is going to explode. I'm supposed to work tomorrow but I Really don't want to. I'd rather go to Portland and powells with Jess. YAY biggest book store on the west coast. It really is amazing it's an entire city block and like 3 stories full of books. Is it wrong to fake your own death to get out of work?

Losing

You know when you're on the beach as a kid and you stand right next to the water so that when a wave finally comes up it will run over your feet and you wait for that minute when you stand still and the wave goes back out again and it feels like your moving and all the sand slips out from under your toes. That's kind how life feels right now except without the giggling and excitement that it will happen again the next time a wave comes. It feels like I'm standing still and then all of a sudden everything comes at once and then gets pulled out from under me. I should be moving... moving forward that's what everyone else does but then once that feeling is gone I still realize that I'm in the exact same spot I was before.

I feel so guilty

The one thing I do hate about Nordstrom is.... I feel so guilty like forcing people to buy WAY over priced socks and accessories. The other day I sold this elderly lady 90 dollars worth of hosier that I'm sure she DIDN'T need. Just because I kept showing her things and was like oh my goodness you have to get this! And she bought it all :( Sorry. I feel like such a fraud doing stuff like that. Like pressuring people to buy stuff. It's cheap. I would rather work in cosmetics because I can see the value of paying like 24 dollars for foundation because you put it on your skin and it has chemicals in it so you don't want something cheap but dear god no one NEEDS one pair of 24 dollar juicy couture socks.

Busy busy bee

I've had one of the craziest Busiest weeks ever. I've been working just about every day like 10 hour days. And now that Nordstrom is having their Half yearly sale it's even busier at work. I am liking the job a lot except for the standing for 9 hours thing is really getting to me god I hate it. I'm starting to fall behind in school which sucks and it's really frustrating and stressful but today I went in to the college and talked to an academic adviser finally about how to get everything organized and finish my transfer degree. The other day on my way to work I tripped and fell really bad on the concrete and cut up my hand my ankle and my knee and sprained my other ankle it's still swollen and sore, but, some lady saw me fall and was really nice and stopped and was really concerned if I was okay. I remembered her business on the side of her car from Picture people and she gave me a ride the rest of the way to the bus stop then bought me java crew coffee lol It's good to know that there are still some nice people in this world that are genuine and aren't too busy for anyone but themselves. I really appreciated that a lot. Today when I went in to chemeketa on my way back home in Keizer this elderly lady was trying to make a left hand turn and didn't see me and went across my lane and I had to slam on my brakes and i was just like praying in the car that it would stop in time like a second before it would have hit.. but unfortunately it did hit. There is very very minimal damage. which is really lucky.And she was very shaken up but okay and i was fine. I feel so bad for her though if it was my car and not my mothers I probably would just be like it's okay you don't have to fix it but after the cars collided and she was at a stop she just sunk down in her seat and stuck her hands to her face and I thought she was just going to bawl. Ugh I know I probably shouldn't feel bad for her just because she's elderly but blah. I have too big of a heart. Jamie might be coming up to salem today hoorah. I wish she still lived here but oh well. Anyway I should probably get caught up on all of my missing assignments. I feel so bad for that lady still, god.

Job

It looks like my financial problems have a resolution!
I finally got a call back from Nordstrom this afternoon while
reading books on the floor of borders with my friend Jess.
I got a full time position there working in the hosiery/accessories
department. I'm pretty excited I start tomorrow. But also kind
of nervous.
I had fun with Jessica today. She's one of my only friends in my life right now
that is like steady and not just making a complete nark of themselves.
Oh well.
I'm addicted to Coconut body butter from the body shop
and I just ran out. I HAVE to get more. It's the only thing
that makes my skin stop itching and and It smells so delicious!

now I have to pick out an outfit to wear tomorrow!
I want to wear these muted silver leaf earrings but I can only find one of the
pair.... like all the rest of my earrings.

The Times they are a changin'

I spent most of the day cleaning my room finally which meant unpacking all of
the things from new jersey. I felt so angry doing it. I know I subconsciously put it off
for so long because.. well I'll admit it now. I am so god damn angry with myself for giving up
for leaving so soon and right now at this exact moment I feel like im still not ready to be back from jersey. I still want to be over there. Why did I have to come home? Why did I have to give up so quickly like I do on EVERYTHING. When un packing I found notes from my mom about how proud of me she was and a postcard of new York and other encouragement from friends. When I moved away my friendships here were never stronger. I felt that people genuinely cared. Does it really take 5000 miles these days to make a good relationship. I actually talked to my sister and people seemed genuinely excited for me as I was for myself. Doing something so grandeur in my life that I always dreamed of but never thought would actually happen. I don't think that I could ever go back though. I don't have the means to go back. I didn't even give it a chance. What kind of chance is 2 months. And right when I came home It wasn't exciting no one ran up and hugged me said "I'm so glad that you're back." Ugh I guess I just am really disappointed in myself A LOT these days. Not just about Jersey but about everything. I'm slipping on my school work and I'm in debt right along with my parents my relationships with that of my family and friends are on very tangled strings. I'm not productive, I haven't even painted in like half a year. I'm not where I thought I would be at this point in my life. I'm idiling and the clutch is stuck. Something needs to change. In just about every aspect of my life. I have to change myself. Stop blaming it on stupid things and "man up" okay woman up.

Have you ever ended a friendship and actually felt good about it?
It can feel amazing like something you've been putting off forever
and then you do it and you just feel like you've finally accomplished something
and you have the feel of relief.
It's amazing
it's like drugs that sheer stress relief.

Had a job interview with the real estate agency office for the
state gov. buildings. I think it went pretty good. I should know pretty soon
I would love that job! Definitely a good foot in the door job.
Fingers are being crossed!

So I got most everything situation with federal student aid today.
Glad I finally got that taken care of now that i'm into my second year of
college and have never used FASFA. Now I'm just thinking I need to take out
a stafford loan then I can continue on with college.
I am pretty sure I narrowed it down to two schools I would love to go to
next year. It's between PNCA and linfield College. Both have amazing things about them
that I love and both have things that I could live without.
So who knows.

Taken from a news report at seen on comcast.net

Almost a third of all apes, monkeys and other primates are in danger of extinction because of rampant habitat destruction, the commercial sale of their meat and the trade in illegal wildlife, a report released Friday said.

Of the world's 394 primate species, 114 are classified as threatened with extinction by the World Conservation Union.

The report by Conservation International and the International Primatological Society in Hainan, China, focuses on the plight of the 25 most endangered primates, including China's Hainan gibbon, of which only 17 remain.

"You could fit all the surviving members of the 25 species in a single football stadium; that's how few of them remain on Earth today," said Russell A. Mittermeier, president of Conservation International


That's insane! Especially that last part.

Being the amazing procrastinator that I am, I gave myself 10 minutes to write and submit a 300 word descriptive paper on the topic of my choice.....
It ended up being a 300 word paper about my purse.
and received an A. Who knew it was possible to write 300 words
about your purse.


Other than that this whole family rough patch is really kind of sucking.
It's so frustrating to have my parents fighting and then for some reason
because my mom fucked up and put us in debt
everything is my fault because I'm the oldest child?
Today I got blamed for not being able to go grocery shopping.
Maybe you should have taken away moms credit cards!
I guess like mother like daughter eh?
Hers are all on her desk cut up like confetti now.
God I hope this ends soon.

I got a call from one of the departments from the state buildings for an interview
which would be an amazing job. Complete with a huge potential in for any other job for the rest of my life working for the state (can you say... great benefits!) I just wish someone would call me soon. My parents need me out. I'm surprised they haven't asked me to sell a kidney or plasma yet. There's always tomorrow.

Lately.

Wow, It’s been quite awhile since I’ve written anything and yet there’s been a whirl wind of stuff that’s happened. I haven’t had time or the emotional capacity to form an entire entry lately. First off a week ago on Thursday the 11 a childhood friend and adulthood acquaintance of mine was struck by a cement truck while riding her bike downtown Portland. My parents have never been very emotional people. My mom hates hugs and saying I love you and all that stuff. This isn’t the first time I’ve had to bury a friend and yet they don’t even bother to ask me if I’m okay. They don’t ask me if I want to talk about it they pretend it hasn’t happened or just say “oh wow, when’s the funeral” When Jared died they didn’t even care and my mom wouldn’t even take me to the funeral. She made me get a ride with someone and he was my first love. Tracey’s funeral was very sad I was hoping I wouldn’t cry but I did. Of course. I’ve been slacking in school a lot lately too I have so much work to make up and my internet is down all I have is the computer upstairs which my sister refuses to let me use because she’s filling out college applications. Also this past week my father decided in addition to letting my sister take my moms care to drive to school he was going to go out and buy her a car. Are they fucking serious? I for one never got a car whenever I asked and was never allowed to drive myself to school occasionally or to work. I had to ride the bus. I feel like there were a lot of things in high school that I wanted to do and had to miss out on because I never had transportation. My parents treat her like the prodigal son. Of course she gets good grades but that’s about it. She sits on her ass and eats food and looks like a blubbery hunch back. She doesn’t know how to use the dishwasher and she just learned how to use the laundry machine. She watches more TV than anyone in the entire world combined should be allowed to watch. Then today I’m trying to fix the internet so I can finish my school work for the week when I’m upstairs and my dad is treating me like I know NOTHING about the computer telling me what he did to it to fix the wireless network. ( uhh I’m the one that installed the entire wireless network in the first place because he didn’t know how to do it. Anyways, my princess sister had an obnoxious friend over named Ryan and I was having a private discussion with my dad about how it wasn’t working and this guy has the nerve in OUR household to say to me “maybe it’s karma” YOU FUCKING BITCH. Seriously I wanted to rip his head off. You have no right to fucking talk crap to me when you’re in my house and I wasn’t even speaking to you. Butt out asshole. So I told him what he could do with his karma and then I got punished. How the fuck do you punish a 19 year old? God. Then my parents pull my aside and go into this whole thing about how I’m a huge disappointment and I’ll never be a success in life and pretty much hinting that if I just killed myself now that their problems would be over. Apparently my mom fucking racked up 30,000 dollars in debt and then my dad is paying for it now. After he just shelled out all the money for my sisters’ car. Haha “maybe it’s karma” So pretty much they said I’m not their responsibility anymore and that I should just leave and pay my own way in life pay for food, school, housing, a car, med. Bills and everything on my own. I’m sorry but the moment that they decided to not wear a condom I became their responsibility for the rest of their lives. I think sometimes I was their practice child and then they realized oh fuck we’re not ready so they waited to years and had my sister.. who is their real child. Anyways I have to go stay with a friend tonight ( not that I feel like I have very good friends right now) because my parents want me out for good. Because I’m too much of a strain on the economics?? Wtf look around my room and through my things I dare them to name 10 things that they’ve bought for me in the last 10 years that wasn’t a gift for Christmas or a birthday! Anyways other than that in life I’ve been feeling really confused. I don’t know what I believe in anymore. It was really hard to lose Tracey even though we weren’t that close anymore it’s just kind of a wake up call like.. Take a look around everything can be gone in an instant. You never know what happening next. I doubt that she would have any regrets about her life because she was such a warm person and achieved so much in her short life. I just don’t know anymore. If I died right now I would have so many regrets and so many things that I wish I would have done and yet I don’t see myself striving to achieve those things. I feel like I do the same thing every day. I don’t even try. Anyways there really is a lot more too all of this and the way that I feel lately but this entry is already long enough. It’s the very brief version.
I need some help, or some support and I feel like I’m
Searching for it in a pitch black room full of knives.
Out.

STOP BLOODY ASKING ME IF I AM OKAY.
I AM NOT OKAY.

I've got no more fight left in me.

Feet planted firmly on the ground

I'm stuck.
I'm just stuck with nothing.
I am SO much BIGGER than the life that I am leading at this time.
I had so many dreams
so many goals
I was striving towards perfect towards everything I wanted
now I'm stuck
I'm "happy" being content.
Just thinking about everything that I wanted to do and where I really am.
Of course I've done a lot. I've moved out twice one of those times
even all the way to New Jersey. How come I couldn't commit to stay?
How come I can't even bring myself to go talk to an academic adviser to
getting on the right track yet.
I make excuses but if it's something that I really wanted I would do it.
I had a job interview this morning for a reception position at
Salem clinic... do I really see myself doing exactly what my mother is doing?
Do I want to settle for that?
I wanted to travel the world... more than just New Jersey.
I guess all of this is sparked from a friend I used to have my sophomore year of high school,I guess she found me on myspace and I guess she went on to art school
in Italy and all this other stuff. Which were pretty much my dream too minus not necessarily Italy and not to mention that she is a year younger than me.
I know I'm 19 and I can pretty much do anything that I want still at the point
but I guess I don't feel that I have any motivation.
I'm motivated when I first get a notion and get really excited but I think that it's always just excitement. I can never follow through. Ever. I never follow through on anything now that I think about it. I find a flaw about ever single thing. Every friendship every job every school every situation. Just always. I don't even know anymore. I guess somehow I have to get my life going because it's not going anywhere. I've been really stressed out lately.
I need to finally apply for PNCA and get my portfolio done but then I'm afraid I'll just change my mind and it will be a huge waste of my money and my time. But can a life experience really be a waste of money and time? I am in my second year of college and I have only 9 credits. That's pathetic. Ugh I don't even know. I need to do some serious thinking.

Toxic relationships

My body is shaky but my brain is asleep. That's what caffeine will do to you right before bed. I can't sleep and I can't focus on my homework so I've just been watching nip/tuck. It's kind of an addicting show. I can't say that I'd ever have plastic surgery. Except for being a bit overweight which is fixable there's nothing that I would want to change about my features. The only thing I can see myself ever considering surgically altering would to be to have a breast lift.
It's too bad you can't surgically alter your memory
such as toxic friendships.
Today was the end of a friendship. I probably could have been more tactful is doing so, in ending it, but, it had to be done now. ( Wow that was a lot of commas) We managed to be close friends for a very long while. Even while I moved to New Jersey she Continued to write me snail mail a couple times a week. But since I've been back she has ditched me twice and has ceased to make any effort to hang out with me and now I'm stuck with all these gifts I bought her in NJ. I guess while I was gone she lost a lot of weight and is kind of obsessed with herself, I mean go her she has every right to be happy with herself now but it shouldn't be in the way of your friendships and on top of that she got a new job wiping old peoples asses which
i guess she thinks is like "oh my god I got an 'adult job' now!" WRONG. You're an elderly persons bitch... seriously come on now. I don't have time for other peoples inflated egos. Plus there are a lot of mutual friends of ours that have been cut off as well which, it feels good. I feel like it needed to happen. It's my emancipation from childhood. I texted her a simple "see ya" and a small reply from her saying "what are you leaving somewhere" and a reply from me "yes, I am leaving this friendship" And that's that.
In other happenings I saw the new Chuck Close exhibit yesterday at the Portland Art Museum. It was fantastic. I was kind of disappointed that it wasn't such a huge variety of his works but I still really liked it plus it was A LOT less crowded than the Egyptian exhibit a while back. And now crazy moms wheeling their toddlers in over priced strollers through ancient artifacts that they children could really care less about. I woke up today to my sister banging on my door saying something about how she is sick and she was supposed to go do childcare for some people so I had to go in her place so I was stuck with a two year old and a 4 year old for a few hours. At least for most of the time I was there the two year old was in nap time. I made a few bucks too so that's okay but seriously, I think their child might turn out to be a serial killer. The four year old was making me play mr. potato head with her as well as with her dolls and she kept making them die. Like the baby kept falling on it's head out of the stroller and people kept jumping from the roof of the doll house then during mister potato head she kept ripping off all of it's body parts and saying that it was falling apart and dying. Maybe I'm just not around children very often but uhhhh is this normal? It was kind of frightening.
Tomorrow is the day I meet with the phone guy. I am selling him my cell phone for 110 dollars. hmm. I'll get over it. Plus he's pretty cute. Although I think he might be seeing some one. I guess he goes to Chemeketa too.
I have got to go do something productive including sleeping or homework.

These people make me want to jump off a cliff

just like you randomly added 1000 other people?
Not cool mister.
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Money, Success, Fame, Glamour
Date: Oct 4, 2007 10:11 PM


naw, i just randomly added you :D
Im Evan.
:]

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Arika
Date: Oct 4, 2007 10:06 PM


Do I know you?

Ding Dong Ditch

So my question is, when did it become O.K. for people to be flaky?
I had a friend, a very good friend that I am very close to the other day
that I was supposed to go out to lunch with, He picked me up we drove around then
he needed to go his house to fix his sub or something so that was already out of the plan and me sitting in his car for about 20 minutes then all of a sudden he tells me that someone from his work has been wanting to hang out with him and now they have free time so he takes me back home?? You can get much more rude then that. Then I have this other friend who when I was living in New Jersey would write me about 2 snail mail letters every week but has yet to see me since I've gotten home and has ditched me twice Who doesn't even try to keep in contact with me. She made all these plans with me about moving to Portland then ditched me at the last minute then treated me like I was stupid and didn't know how costly it is to move when she's 18 sheltered and has never moved out I'm older have moved out twice I think I have a little more experience in the matter. People just don't value their friendships like they used to anymore It's really hurtful. Especially when they call you the next day and want to tell you all about their love life and their problems and stuff and you kind of just want to say "hey, Fuck you."

Money

I have a problem.
A money spending problem
I don't know where ANY of my money goes.
And I have nothing to show for it.
I spend it too fast
Much too fast.
My parents help pay for school
I don't have a car
I don't have designer clothes
So, where did it go?
Debt.
Debt is not fun.
I better get a job interview soon.

Backwards

That's how my thong has been all day.
How did I not notice?

The comforts of home

So the New Jersey thing turned out to be a huge mistake. I mean I guess nothing is ever really a mistake because you always learn something so I guess it was just a less than favorable learning experience. I've been back home now for about a week. I'm really glad to be back i started thinking how much I was looking forward to fall and then I really started to miss Oregon. it's so beautiful in the fall here the color of the leaves, the gray skies and big rain drops (I'm a huge fan of rainy days, my moms home cooking, the smell of wood smoke from the fireplace. I'm getting ready to paint my room which is exciting and really sad at the same time it's like having to admit that I'm going to be living with my parents a little while longer but at least it won't be like rip out your eyes acid colored green. I've gotten to hang out with most of my friends since I came back except for Jamie who moved over the summer to Eugene. I think next weekend I will go down there and visit her and see the house her and Jared got. Everything just feels comforatble right now. School just started I'm only taking 9 credits this term
Intro to psychology
Understanding art
and some writing class. It's a pretty good variety though. I really wanted to take the class death and dying but it was all full it seems like it would be a really fascinating course though.

"Nanny diaries"

It's sunday morning, well actually sunday afternoon now. About 1. I still haven't seen michele since last night again so I don't know when anyone will be home. I'm trying to make 3 meals a day out of pasta because that's the only thing they have in the entire house. I counted 16 different kinds of cheese raviolis in their freezer... between that and the ice bucket.. it pretty much takes up all the space. Not to mention they have two entire cupboards full of brailla pasta in every different shape size you can imagine. The other day she sent me to the store to buy linguine and when michele got home I asked if i got the right kind of noodles and they all laughed at me. apparently there is a BIG difference between noodles and pasta. They are all noodles though. I don't care. Michele is kind of crazy they have so many like weird things sometimes I feel like i'm doing things that I was not told I was going to be doing. I feel more like a maid than an au pair. Usually nannies are responsible for picking up after the kids maybe keeping the kids rooms organized and doing the kids laundry MAYBE but I have to clean micheles room and closets and stuff too. I take her dry cleaning make appointments for her and so on. I take oliver to the dog groomers and I have to feed him and give him medecine etc... NOT TO MENTION that they all pretend to love oliver but no one feeds him on the weekends because they all just leave and do their own thing. I've gotten up and fed him twice this weekend because no one does it! And they only feed him once a day because they think he's fat which he isn't. Plus he's been on the same diet with the same food for about a year now and there's been no difference. Michele reminds me of the woman on that show King of Queens... you know Carrie the girl that's married to the big guy Doug. She looks alot like her and they have the same accent and the same personalities. She is kind of werid she freaks out about everything. Every ru g in the house has to be washed weekly. WEEKLY. Not every other week but WEEKLY. I swear she has about 700 glade plug ins in every square inch of the house. Which make my throat want to close up. Everytime after you cook anything she demands that you spray febreeze air effect EVERYWHERE so her house doesn't smell like food. I think that I have inhaled so much febreeze when I breathe out I'm just recyling it. I know i'm allergic to something in the house cause there's always gunk in my through my nose is dry and stuffed upand my eyes are puffy and watery. I keep getting a rash on my stomach and my legs are REALLY itchy. I think it's the matteress.. Honestly I think it has bed bugs. Its disgusting. It's like really old and the frame is a piece of crap. I wake up every morning and have to take 3 advil because it hurts my back. There have been 15 different people that have slept on that mattress. It smells bad and there is no box spring or any support for it it's like a really ol d falling apart day bed thing with just wires on the bottom and an old matteress. I'm starting to think it has bed bugs from my rash or bug bites or whatever they are. I have washed the sheets every other day because i just feel gross but it doesn't really help. I don't know it's just kind of... a little hole in the back of the laundry room behind the waterheater where they store all their stuff they don't need anymore. Ugh I don't know. The college here is crazy and is a pain in the A** to register with they make everything like 700 times more difficult than it really is. And now that I got that lost i pretty much had a panic attack and almost threw up in the car the other day and now I don't really want to leave the house. The other day michele was talking about her boyfriend (john)'s Ex wife and how she was so horrible to her kids that like if they wanted to go to a movie or a concert or buy some new clothes or needed a new cell phone she made them pay for it themselve s and just how she was a bi*ch for that and how awful of a parent that was. And was thinking well thanks you pretty much just called my mom that too.....so yeah. Anyways not much new going on. Cooking some pasta right now and washing my sheets. Go figure.I hope the family doesn't come over tonight they were just here on thursday and I always feel really awkward like I'm supposed to be out there but at the same time i don't want to be but then do they think i'm rude and i pretty much just want them to go home because they are SO loud and noisy and just they make a huge mess and expect me to clean it up the next day. and there are like 20 of them! and they are here all the time! I mean New Jersey is pretty nice, kind of expensive here I guess it tops the list almost as one of the most expensive states to live in. I didn't know that. Even with no sales tax! Oh and I don't have to pump my own gas either they do that for you too. I found out that it is the Diner captiol of the world. There are more diners in New jersey than in any other state! Which is true!Aberdeen is about the size from our house to West salem highschool it's small and they have two diners. lol and there is ATLEAST 1 in every small town like that. It's crazy. Anyways My sheets are ready to put in the dryer

What's the point

of being a woman if you're 19 and infertile and sickyly.

Shedding

So it's been a crazy couple of weeks! I don't remember when the last time I wrote was but I guess a lot has happened without me even realizing until all of it compiled into one! Lost some friends but at the same time it feels good it's like sloughing off the dead weight that only weighs you down in life. I feel like at this point i know who the amazing people in my life are. Sam I know you'll always be there and that you genuinely care and will never judge me and only look out for my best interest, Jamie.... sometimes i just want to shake my head at you but you are so easy to get along with. You don't give a fuck and that's what makes you awesome.You're not a very "emotional" friend kind of person so... I'll leave it at that. I purchased my airplane ticket the other day. set me back 401 dollars! Yikes! I have never felt more poor in my life but at the same time i think it's money well spent. I can't wait to get to new jersey but sometimes i still have panic attacks about going..I freak out about everything like what if they don't like me mostly. But then I just have to remind myself that they are probably just as nervous thinking I won't like them. Right now I'm kind of packing and cleaning my room and also my life discarding things or people that only will weigh my luggage down and making sure to make room for the things and people I care about.

4th of july

I really hate the fourth of July it's probably my least favorite holiday which puts things like presidents day and martin luther king jr. day ahead of it. People gather together to eat animal products on a bbq and watch things explode. Fireworks are so boring, they all look the same (maybe that's because I live in oregon and all the fun ones are illegal)

Toilet paper

Do men not understand that no matter what a woman does in the restroom we're going to need toilet paper? I was drinking with "jake" the other day at his house and I go to use the restroom and realise there's no toilet paper (of course) and i'm like hey "Jake" got any toilet paper? So he runs around the garage and house rummaging for toilet paper and he pulls out a thing of paper towels.... Ugh. So I go to tear off half a paper towel and realise that I'm wiping with Susan G. Komen Breast cancer paper towels....

Ghost safari

Yeah went on a ghost safari. Lots of great orb pictures still waiting for Jeff to go over the tape for EVPs.

statistically

"When we get to the bridge we'll lose two people, it's statistics."
Or maybe this was only hilarious because I'm drunk
It's whiskey Wednesday!
Tried to sleep on the trampoline with Jeff last night until the sprinklers turned on
ha ha what a smart idea.
Job interview tomorrow
hope all goes well.

I see: A rafting trip in the near future.

1 out of 2

1 out of 2 friendships reconciled. Thank you for the apology it was greatly appreciated. Nothing like getting lost in the country in the night and almost dying to patch up a broken friendship!That's one of the things I wish I did more often but gas is so god damn expensive. One of my absolute favorite things to do is to drive around the country at night and listen to music. It feels so homely. I love the smell of the country in summer the smell of the sweet hay.

When I'm old

When I'm old I hope to still be in as much love as my grandparents are. They still take turns cooking for each other and setting the table even if it's only the two of them. They still give each other kisses and pat each other on the bottom (that may sound weird to some of you) but in some ways it's cute that they can still be like that after 70 years of marriage.

Money Changes everything

There must be some law of phsysics I missed one of the countless days I stayed home "ill". It should be common sense but people do it all the time. Friend + money never mix. It's always a recipe for another atom bomb. In the wise words of 80's icon Cyndi lauper "money changes everything." I have two close friends feuding with me over two seperate reasons. I pretty much just wanted to get drunk and black out for the rest of the night but when I noted that wasn't an option due to the lack of liquor in my cabinet I realized that I shouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself if two people whom I really care about are going to start picking fights with me and be angry with me for no reason, or if they do have a reason they don't care to explain it which I belive kind of defeats the purpose of being angry at that person in the first place? Are people turning back into time back to when we were four and five? "Jeff why are you mad at me" "WELL YOU SHOULD KNOW!" "no,I really don't!" It kind of ended at that so I'm still really lost. The other day I went over to his house beliveing it would just be jamie him and i watching some rediculous 90's movie like rumble in the Bronx again but instead I realised that he had invited about 5 other people and before I knew it Jamie and I were being shoved out the door to go buy soda for him and his friends. I went to the store, paid for his drinks and came back only to be shooed out of his house by his mother for thinking that we were all drinking. I asked jeff to pay me back but he lashed out on me saying he didn't have money and I was thinking "wow you just invited me over here to buy you something then I leave" So he says he'll pay me back the next day. (Him knowing full well i'm in a financial bind with moving to New Jersey.)Next day passes and I'm still not re-imbursed. It all was off of that and somehow I am a horrible friend for asking him to pay me back? So i'm in trouble for doing him a favor?? What kind of bull shit is that?
The next friend is a troll named Sam. She lashes out on me about moving to New Jersey?!? She thinks I'm making everything up some wild idea about how I'm moving to New Jersey and that it sounds stupid and dangerous and no one would hire and au pair from oregon when they could get one from new jersey and apperantly i'm not qualified were her words. I wanted to tell her she's not qualified to work in the tools section at SEARS. Mostly because she has a vagina. "It insults me that you think i would belive that you're actually going to live with some stranger in new jersey, who would hire a stranger from another state pay for them to fly across country to watch their kids?!" "Yeah sam, I'm making it up...I was just planning on telling everyone i'm leaving then sit in my house for the next year while buying new jersey postcards of ebay to pretend post mark from there!" I think this argument was the most puzzling, I am quite postive that I have no idea how this constitutes and argument? What's the point? Why is she mad at me that she thinks that i'm crazy about this new jersey thing??!" I guess I can't let it get me down because it's their fault for being dumb. But I didn't expect all my friends to abandon me right before I left. I still have two months here.

Dimethyltrptamine

This is really really interesting.

New Jersey

I just found out that I am most likely moving to New Jersey in just a little over a month. It's kind of scary and exciting at the same time. Except I don't know anyone in New Jersey and I've never been there before. I'm moving to become a live in nanny but the kids are like 16 and 12 so all i have to do is cart them around to school and their friends houses.

New Jersey

I just found out that I am most likely moving to New Jersey in just a little over a month. It's kind of scary and exciting at the same time. Except I don't know anyone in New Jersey and I've never been there before. I'm moving to become a live in nanny but the kids are like 16 and 12 so all i have to do is cart them around to school and their friends houses.

Summertime Reading

I am excited for this summer. With the slight possibility of going away to work in some foreign country about to become reality my favorite thing to do in summertime is to lay out in the sun and read. I collect books all year long through the school year when I am too distracted to enjoy it and I make a list and read all summer long. The guilty pleasure part is that they are mostly mindless easy reads.

Bees.

Bees are really fascinating to me. In my free time I like to read about them. I've always wanted to learn how to bee keep, but unfortunately I live in the suburbs. Today when I was watering my garden, I went to check on the radishes because they are almost ready to harvest. There was a bee soaking wet from when I had just spent 10 minutes watering and couldn't fly; So, I picked it up and let it sit on my hand as I walked over to a sunny area for it to dry itself. It was so fascinating just to watch it dry it's wings clean it's legs and fur as well as its face with it's little legs, at times taking it's hind legs all the way upward onto it's back. I watched it clean it's little mouth and retract it's stinger to clean it as well all with such coordination like a ballet. Around 15 minutes later after its last little flutter for drying it's wings it finally flew off.

"Honeybees depend not only on physical contact with the colony, but also require it's social companionship and support. Isolate a honeybee from her sisters and she will soon die."
- The Queen Must Die: And Other Affairs of Bees and Men

Post-it notes

Whenever I need a Post-it I can never ever find one or anything that will work instead such as paper and tape. However, when I'm cleaning around my desk I always find 5 little stacks of them and think why the hell do I have so many post-its and when will I ever need these.

good friends are good.

I think I collect jobs. I get bored at meaningless jobs way too easy. But I have had numerous jobs all in extremely different fields and from every job I've kept like a little souvenir. I have no idea why. I just realized this today when i was cleaning my room. Which hasn't been cleaned in like 8 months. Ew.

If you died

When was the last time you actually stopped to think for two seconds about how fucking incredible it is that you are alive and all things things you might have missed. Remember those kids that died in your high school so young? And all the things you've taken for granted since then. All the strange little accidents or random sicknesses where people die so unexpectedly....would you be satisfied with your life so far? Remember the last time you drank 7up out of a cup and the fizz tickled your nose or the last time you just spent an entire day outside in the sunshine just enjoying it? Remember the last time you cried and how much better you felt after words. What kind of secrets would you leave behind?

The beatles

You can only listen to the beatles for so long until your head wants to explode.

Internet broken

Internets broken, really frustrating. It won't connect to any wireless network even though it shows all the ones available around my area.
Anyone got any ideas?

Crazy Dream

Last night I dreamt that Modest Mouse came over for Thanksgiving dinner. It was the most random thing ever. To everyone else it was normal that they were there haha. And then we all drank lots of Jack Daniels.

Today was pretty much un-eventful which those days are always nice to have once in awhile. I spent the whole day sleeping which kind of was a shame since it was so beautiful out.
So if you have myspace you probably noticed a couple days ago they had that obnoxious "upload your picture to make yourself a pirate" thing.. I decided to upload a picture of jesus...
Jesus as a pirate

mm waffles

The weather outside today is absolutely gorgeous. I wish I had more time to spend outside.
I went to go water my miniature garden today and half my plants were missing. I guess the dog decided it would be fun to run through a big patch of mud the other day when it was rainy because there are about 2 feet deep paw prints running back and forth from one end to the other. Crazy dog.
On another note school is going terribly at the moment. This term I decided to only take one class online but the instructor doesn't use a calendar or due dates so I will be oblivious to whole weeks passing by, it doesn't help that it's a law enforcement class. I hate learning all this policing stuff it's so boring, I don't care about the history and evolution of policing in America. I can't wait till I'm done with all the criminal justice basic classes and can start doing more forensics.
Anyways this Video always makes my day, Knock yourself out.

Atleast you will never be a vegetable, because even artichokes have hearts.

Spidey

Yay going to see spiderman 3, it better not be a disappointment.

Sand not so much sun or surf

I really want to go to the beach it's been a while. Even though the Oregon coast isn't much to brag about since it mostly consists of rain and sand and water so cold it turns your skin red. It would be a terrible thing to go through life without ever seeing an ocean.

It's a girl!

Lizzie finally had her baby the other day. Adrianna Elizabeth. Alot of newborn babies look like aliens.. I know from working at picture people. It's so hard to tell people that their babies are the cutest and the parents all think that when really they look like wrinkly flaky aliens. It just reminds me of how fast we grow up and sometimes I feel like I act as if I have all the time in the world to do what I want So I procrastinate at life. Then someday it will all hit me like a train and I will be old. I should stop making lists of things that I want to do and start doing them.

RIP

It's been
exactly five years to this day
april 25 since you passed away
I miss you every day
Especially your smile.
You could have done amazing things if you were
still here.
Http://sanelyinsane.blogspot.com

Oh honey

Played a rousing game of "oh honey" last night.
watch will and grace and every time you here karen say "OH HONEY" everyone takes a shot
haha really stupid but amusing at the same time. Well as long as you like will and grace. I think I'm still a bit hung over.