Have you ever ended a friendship and actually felt good about it?
It can feel amazing like something you've been putting off forever
and then you do it and you just feel like you've finally accomplished something
and you have the feel of relief.
It's amazing
it's like drugs that sheer stress relief.

Had a job interview with the real estate agency office for the
state gov. buildings. I think it went pretty good. I should know pretty soon
I would love that job! Definitely a good foot in the door job.
Fingers are being crossed!

So I got most everything situation with federal student aid today.
Glad I finally got that taken care of now that i'm into my second year of
college and have never used FASFA. Now I'm just thinking I need to take out
a stafford loan then I can continue on with college.
I am pretty sure I narrowed it down to two schools I would love to go to
next year. It's between PNCA and linfield College. Both have amazing things about them
that I love and both have things that I could live without.
So who knows.


Taken from a news report at seen on comcast.net

Almost a third of all apes, monkeys and other primates are in danger of extinction because of rampant habitat destruction, the commercial sale of their meat and the trade in illegal wildlife, a report released Friday said.

Of the world's 394 primate species, 114 are classified as threatened with extinction by the World Conservation Union.

The report by Conservation International and the International Primatological Society in Hainan, China, focuses on the plight of the 25 most endangered primates, including China's Hainan gibbon, of which only 17 remain.

"You could fit all the surviving members of the 25 species in a single football stadium; that's how few of them remain on Earth today," said Russell A. Mittermeier, president of Conservation International

That's insane! Especially that last part.


Being the amazing procrastinator that I am, I gave myself 10 minutes to write and submit a 300 word descriptive paper on the topic of my choice.....
It ended up being a 300 word paper about my purse.
and received an A. Who knew it was possible to write 300 words
about your purse.

Other than that this whole family rough patch is really kind of sucking.
It's so frustrating to have my parents fighting and then for some reason
because my mom fucked up and put us in debt
everything is my fault because I'm the oldest child?
Today I got blamed for not being able to go grocery shopping.
Maybe you should have taken away moms credit cards!
I guess like mother like daughter eh?
Hers are all on her desk cut up like confetti now.
God I hope this ends soon.

I got a call from one of the departments from the state buildings for an interview
which would be an amazing job. Complete with a huge potential in for any other job for the rest of my life working for the state (can you say... great benefits!) I just wish someone would call me soon. My parents need me out. I'm surprised they haven't asked me to sell a kidney or plasma yet. There's always tomorrow.



Wow, It’s been quite awhile since I’ve written anything and yet there’s been a whirl wind of stuff that’s happened. I haven’t had time or the emotional capacity to form an entire entry lately. First off a week ago on Thursday the 11 a childhood friend and adulthood acquaintance of mine was struck by a cement truck while riding her bike downtown Portland. My parents have never been very emotional people. My mom hates hugs and saying I love you and all that stuff. This isn’t the first time I’ve had to bury a friend and yet they don’t even bother to ask me if I’m okay. They don’t ask me if I want to talk about it they pretend it hasn’t happened or just say “oh wow, when’s the funeral” When Jared died they didn’t even care and my mom wouldn’t even take me to the funeral. She made me get a ride with someone and he was my first love. Tracey’s funeral was very sad I was hoping I wouldn’t cry but I did. Of course. I’ve been slacking in school a lot lately too I have so much work to make up and my internet is down all I have is the computer upstairs which my sister refuses to let me use because she’s filling out college applications. Also this past week my father decided in addition to letting my sister take my moms care to drive to school he was going to go out and buy her a car. Are they fucking serious? I for one never got a car whenever I asked and was never allowed to drive myself to school occasionally or to work. I had to ride the bus. I feel like there were a lot of things in high school that I wanted to do and had to miss out on because I never had transportation. My parents treat her like the prodigal son. Of course she gets good grades but that’s about it. She sits on her ass and eats food and looks like a blubbery hunch back. She doesn’t know how to use the dishwasher and she just learned how to use the laundry machine. She watches more TV than anyone in the entire world combined should be allowed to watch. Then today I’m trying to fix the internet so I can finish my school work for the week when I’m upstairs and my dad is treating me like I know NOTHING about the computer telling me what he did to it to fix the wireless network. ( uhh I’m the one that installed the entire wireless network in the first place because he didn’t know how to do it. Anyways, my princess sister had an obnoxious friend over named Ryan and I was having a private discussion with my dad about how it wasn’t working and this guy has the nerve in OUR household to say to me “maybe it’s karma” YOU FUCKING BITCH. Seriously I wanted to rip his head off. You have no right to fucking talk crap to me when you’re in my house and I wasn’t even speaking to you. Butt out asshole. So I told him what he could do with his karma and then I got punished. How the fuck do you punish a 19 year old? God. Then my parents pull my aside and go into this whole thing about how I’m a huge disappointment and I’ll never be a success in life and pretty much hinting that if I just killed myself now that their problems would be over. Apparently my mom fucking racked up 30,000 dollars in debt and then my dad is paying for it now. After he just shelled out all the money for my sisters’ car. Haha “maybe it’s karma” So pretty much they said I’m not their responsibility anymore and that I should just leave and pay my own way in life pay for food, school, housing, a car, med. Bills and everything on my own. I’m sorry but the moment that they decided to not wear a condom I became their responsibility for the rest of their lives. I think sometimes I was their practice child and then they realized oh fuck we’re not ready so they waited to years and had my sister.. who is their real child. Anyways I have to go stay with a friend tonight ( not that I feel like I have very good friends right now) because my parents want me out for good. Because I’m too much of a strain on the economics?? Wtf look around my room and through my things I dare them to name 10 things that they’ve bought for me in the last 10 years that wasn’t a gift for Christmas or a birthday! Anyways other than that in life I’ve been feeling really confused. I don’t know what I believe in anymore. It was really hard to lose Tracey even though we weren’t that close anymore it’s just kind of a wake up call like.. Take a look around everything can be gone in an instant. You never know what happening next. I doubt that she would have any regrets about her life because she was such a warm person and achieved so much in her short life. I just don’t know anymore. If I died right now I would have so many regrets and so many things that I wish I would have done and yet I don’t see myself striving to achieve those things. I feel like I do the same thing every day. I don’t even try. Anyways there really is a lot more too all of this and the way that I feel lately but this entry is already long enough. It’s the very brief version.
I need some help, or some support and I feel like I’m
Searching for it in a pitch black room full of knives.