I'm stuck.
I'm just stuck with nothing.
I am SO much BIGGER than the life that I am leading at this time.
I had so many dreams
so many goals
I was striving towards perfect towards everything I wanted
now I'm stuck
I'm "happy" being content.
Just thinking about everything that I wanted to do and where I really am.
Of course I've done a lot. I've moved out twice one of those times
even all the way to New Jersey. How come I couldn't commit to stay?
How come I can't even bring myself to go talk to an academic adviser to
getting on the right track yet.
I make excuses but if it's something that I really wanted I would do it.
I had a job interview this morning for a reception position at
Salem clinic... do I really see myself doing exactly what my mother is doing?
Do I want to settle for that?
I wanted to travel the world... more than just New Jersey.
I guess all of this is sparked from a friend I used to have my sophomore year of high school,I guess she found me on myspace and I guess she went on to art school
in Italy and all this other stuff. Which were pretty much my dream too minus not necessarily Italy and not to mention that she is a year younger than me.
I know I'm 19 and I can pretty much do anything that I want still at the point
but I guess I don't feel that I have any motivation.
I'm motivated when I first get a notion and get really excited but I think that it's always just excitement. I can never follow through. Ever. I never follow through on anything now that I think about it. I find a flaw about ever single thing. Every friendship every job every school every situation. Just always. I don't even know anymore. I guess somehow I have to get my life going because it's not going anywhere. I've been really stressed out lately.
I need to finally apply for PNCA and get my portfolio done but then I'm afraid I'll just change my mind and it will be a huge waste of my money and my time. But can a life experience really be a waste of money and time? I am in my second year of college and I have only 9 credits. That's pathetic. Ugh I don't even know. I need to do some serious thinking.
8.10.07
Toxic relationships
My body is shaky but my brain is asleep. That's what caffeine will do to you right before bed. I can't sleep and I can't focus on my homework so I've just been watching nip/tuck. It's kind of an addicting show. I can't say that I'd ever have plastic surgery. Except for being a bit overweight which is fixable there's nothing that I would want to change about my features. The only thing I can see myself ever considering surgically altering would to be to have a breast lift.
It's too bad you can't surgically alter your memory
such as toxic friendships.
Today was the end of a friendship. I probably could have been more tactful is doing so, in ending it, but, it had to be done now. ( Wow that was a lot of commas) We managed to be close friends for a very long while. Even while I moved to New Jersey she Continued to write me snail mail a couple times a week. But since I've been back she has ditched me twice and has ceased to make any effort to hang out with me and now I'm stuck with all these gifts I bought her in NJ. I guess while I was gone she lost a lot of weight and is kind of obsessed with herself, I mean go her she has every right to be happy with herself now but it shouldn't be in the way of your friendships and on top of that she got a new job wiping old peoples asses which
i guess she thinks is like "oh my god I got an 'adult job' now!" WRONG. You're an elderly persons bitch... seriously come on now. I don't have time for other peoples inflated egos. Plus there are a lot of mutual friends of ours that have been cut off as well which, it feels good. I feel like it needed to happen. It's my emancipation from childhood. I texted her a simple "see ya" and a small reply from her saying "what are you leaving somewhere" and a reply from me "yes, I am leaving this friendship" And that's that.
In other happenings I saw the new Chuck Close exhibit yesterday at the Portland Art Museum. It was fantastic. I was kind of disappointed that it wasn't such a huge variety of his works but I still really liked it plus it was A LOT less crowded than the Egyptian exhibit a while back. And now crazy moms wheeling their toddlers in over priced strollers through ancient artifacts that they children could really care less about. I woke up today to my sister banging on my door saying something about how she is sick and she was supposed to go do childcare for some people so I had to go in her place so I was stuck with a two year old and a 4 year old for a few hours. At least for most of the time I was there the two year old was in nap time. I made a few bucks too so that's okay but seriously, I think their child might turn out to be a serial killer. The four year old was making me play mr. potato head with her as well as with her dolls and she kept making them die. Like the baby kept falling on it's head out of the stroller and people kept jumping from the roof of the doll house then during mister potato head she kept ripping off all of it's body parts and saying that it was falling apart and dying. Maybe I'm just not around children very often but uhhhh is this normal? It was kind of frightening.
Tomorrow is the day I meet with the phone guy. I am selling him my cell phone for 110 dollars. hmm. I'll get over it. Plus he's pretty cute. Although I think he might be seeing some one. I guess he goes to Chemeketa too.
I have got to go do something productive including sleeping or homework.
It's too bad you can't surgically alter your memory
such as toxic friendships.
Today was the end of a friendship. I probably could have been more tactful is doing so, in ending it, but, it had to be done now. ( Wow that was a lot of commas) We managed to be close friends for a very long while. Even while I moved to New Jersey she Continued to write me snail mail a couple times a week. But since I've been back she has ditched me twice and has ceased to make any effort to hang out with me and now I'm stuck with all these gifts I bought her in NJ. I guess while I was gone she lost a lot of weight and is kind of obsessed with herself, I mean go her she has every right to be happy with herself now but it shouldn't be in the way of your friendships and on top of that she got a new job wiping old peoples asses which
i guess she thinks is like "oh my god I got an 'adult job' now!" WRONG. You're an elderly persons bitch... seriously come on now. I don't have time for other peoples inflated egos. Plus there are a lot of mutual friends of ours that have been cut off as well which, it feels good. I feel like it needed to happen. It's my emancipation from childhood. I texted her a simple "see ya" and a small reply from her saying "what are you leaving somewhere" and a reply from me "yes, I am leaving this friendship" And that's that.
In other happenings I saw the new Chuck Close exhibit yesterday at the Portland Art Museum. It was fantastic. I was kind of disappointed that it wasn't such a huge variety of his works but I still really liked it plus it was A LOT less crowded than the Egyptian exhibit a while back. And now crazy moms wheeling their toddlers in over priced strollers through ancient artifacts that they children could really care less about. I woke up today to my sister banging on my door saying something about how she is sick and she was supposed to go do childcare for some people so I had to go in her place so I was stuck with a two year old and a 4 year old for a few hours. At least for most of the time I was there the two year old was in nap time. I made a few bucks too so that's okay but seriously, I think their child might turn out to be a serial killer. The four year old was making me play mr. potato head with her as well as with her dolls and she kept making them die. Like the baby kept falling on it's head out of the stroller and people kept jumping from the roof of the doll house then during mister potato head she kept ripping off all of it's body parts and saying that it was falling apart and dying. Maybe I'm just not around children very often but uhhhh is this normal? It was kind of frightening.
Tomorrow is the day I meet with the phone guy. I am selling him my cell phone for 110 dollars. hmm. I'll get over it. Plus he's pretty cute. Although I think he might be seeing some one. I guess he goes to Chemeketa too.
I have got to go do something productive including sleeping or homework.
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