10.10.07

Feet planted firmly on the ground

I'm stuck.
I'm just stuck with nothing.
I am SO much BIGGER than the life that I am leading at this time.
I had so many dreams
so many goals
I was striving towards perfect towards everything I wanted
now I'm stuck
I'm "happy" being content.
Just thinking about everything that I wanted to do and where I really am.
Of course I've done a lot. I've moved out twice one of those times
even all the way to New Jersey. How come I couldn't commit to stay?
How come I can't even bring myself to go talk to an academic adviser to
getting on the right track yet.
I make excuses but if it's something that I really wanted I would do it.
I had a job interview this morning for a reception position at
Salem clinic... do I really see myself doing exactly what my mother is doing?
Do I want to settle for that?
I wanted to travel the world... more than just New Jersey.
I guess all of this is sparked from a friend I used to have my sophomore year of high school,I guess she found me on myspace and I guess she went on to art school
in Italy and all this other stuff. Which were pretty much my dream too minus not necessarily Italy and not to mention that she is a year younger than me.
I know I'm 19 and I can pretty much do anything that I want still at the point
but I guess I don't feel that I have any motivation.
I'm motivated when I first get a notion and get really excited but I think that it's always just excitement. I can never follow through. Ever. I never follow through on anything now that I think about it. I find a flaw about ever single thing. Every friendship every job every school every situation. Just always. I don't even know anymore. I guess somehow I have to get my life going because it's not going anywhere. I've been really stressed out lately.
I need to finally apply for PNCA and get my portfolio done but then I'm afraid I'll just change my mind and it will be a huge waste of my money and my time. But can a life experience really be a waste of money and time? I am in my second year of college and I have only 9 credits. That's pathetic. Ugh I don't even know. I need to do some serious thinking.

1 comment:

Jamie of course said...

I've tried to "make something of myself" for a while, eventually it ends in me giving up completely and since that single goal was my only reason for living I feel like all is lost... when in reality no matter where we are, how much money we make or how well we are doing we're all just as FUCKED.

Life is pointless, no matter who you are. Its best to just sit back and enjoy it as much as you can until you die.