I spent most of the day cleaning my room finally which meant unpacking all of
the things from new jersey. I felt so angry doing it. I know I subconsciously put it off
for so long because.. well I'll admit it now. I am so god damn angry with myself for giving up
for leaving so soon and right now at this exact moment I feel like im still not ready to be back from jersey. I still want to be over there. Why did I have to come home? Why did I have to give up so quickly like I do on EVERYTHING. When un packing I found notes from my mom about how proud of me she was and a postcard of new York and other encouragement from friends. When I moved away my friendships here were never stronger. I felt that people genuinely cared. Does it really take 5000 miles these days to make a good relationship. I actually talked to my sister and people seemed genuinely excited for me as I was for myself. Doing something so grandeur in my life that I always dreamed of but never thought would actually happen. I don't think that I could ever go back though. I don't have the means to go back. I didn't even give it a chance. What kind of chance is 2 months. And right when I came home It wasn't exciting no one ran up and hugged me said "I'm so glad that you're back." Ugh I guess I just am really disappointed in myself A LOT these days. Not just about Jersey but about everything. I'm slipping on my school work and I'm in debt right along with my parents my relationships with that of my family and friends are on very tangled strings. I'm not productive, I haven't even painted in like half a year. I'm not where I thought I would be at this point in my life. I'm idiling and the clutch is stuck. Something needs to change. In just about every aspect of my life. I have to change myself. Stop blaming it on stupid things and "man up" okay woman up.