Velour

Today browsing the clearence racks at target I found a pair of 8 dollar velour sweatpants. It was at this moment I decided to join the rest of the work and join the velour sweat suit trend which with my luck is probably already out of date except for the Juicy coutue and rihinestone studded BCBG ones. They have to be the ugliest pants ever but the comfort is fantastic. I can't but help of think of the mom from MEAN GIRLS in her pink velour sweatsuit every time I see them but oh well.

and in other news,
I just spent 300 dollars on text books WOOOOOOOO

For some reason this year it just didn't feel like Christmas yet. I wanted another week or two. I feel that I didn't really get into the whole super cold weather and "holiday cheer" stuff. But then on Christmas it started to snow during the afternoon for a few hours it was fantastic. It's the first time it's snowed here on Christmas in 17 years. Then my dads side of the family came over....
they are the biggest bunch of lunatics no joke.
My cousin is permanently ill but there's a point where babying him is just toooo much. I swear he's going to end up like the guy from psycho keeping his dead mothers body in his basement pretending to be her when he's like 40. She seriously asked him after he went to the bathroom "did you wash? Did you put the seat down? Did you use toilet paper?" seriously what the hell haha god that caught me so off guard. Later on she asked him if she could help him cut up his ham for him..... oh yeah... and he's 12!
I didn't really get anything I asked for for Christmas but oh well. I think i got like a lint roller and that was the most exciting gift I got because I can never find one for me jacket. It was fun making fun of my dads family with mom though after they left.
My dads brothers gift takes the cake though. He is going through his midlife crisis and decided to give the entire family a mixed CD of songs that "move" him. How pathetic and cheap can you get. He just moved to Ireland so hopefully at least I can weasel a trip over there for his upcoming "nuptuals" to some kraut.

Working Christmas eve was pretty nuts. I can't believe how many people save all their shopping till the last minute. I'm kind of happy it's over and hopefully I can get all my bills paid now and such before its too late.
debt is one of the most sickening feelings.

So life has been kind of blah lately but I feel like things are picking up. I'm making money again paying my bills possibility of moving again I've got my close friends back. Went out to sushi with Lee today and watched the movie AWAKE it was pretty okay don't know if you have to see it in theaters but deffinatley wasn't oh god i knew that was going to happen thriller.

Tyra has a god complex

So I've got tonsillitis again for about the 500th time in the past year and a half. On Monday I have an appointment to talk with a ear nose and throat specialist about finally getting my tonsils removed I guess I have some thing where I've had tonsillitis and strep so much that my tonsils are permanently enlarged. gross. So I was reading about tonsillectomies in adults and some say that the recovery hurts worse than child birth. Oh god. the recovery time is about 2 to 3 weeks and there can be abnormal bleeding in the the throat. I'm really nervous and I haven't even scheduled the surgery yet. Christmas is coming up soon. I usually ADORE this time of year but it seems to soon I feel like I'm being rushed towards Christmas. I'm not even going to be able to afford Christmas shopping until the 20th of December. I went to Chemeketa to turn in my Psychology book (what B.S. class) and they told me it wasn't worth anything because they changed the edition. Seriously Someone should come up with an idea for renting text books. pay like 5 bucks each month for every text you have out. It's smart then you're guaranteed not to be stuck with a book that's worthless. I think I failed both my classes this term trying to work too much. It's really frustrating. I'm a b student and I failed for the first time in college. Oh well finals are over and it's Christmas break now!

So I had a thought the other day.....If the idea of Christianity leads to heaven who does Christ worship? Himself? Another religious icon? Maybe he's just really really really narcissistic. Like "heaven" is just a big church devoted to himself with stain glass pictures of all the "amazing" things he's done so he can look at himself every day. Kind of like Tyra Banks on her talk show and "Americas' Next Top Model"

Anyways I have to go into work today at least I talked them down to only working for 4 hours instead of 9. I still feel like my head is going to explode. I'm supposed to work tomorrow but I Really don't want to. I'd rather go to Portland and powells with Jess. YAY biggest book store on the west coast. It really is amazing it's an entire city block and like 3 stories full of books. Is it wrong to fake your own death to get out of work?

Jessica SImpsons

For some reason I decided it would be festive to listen to the only Christmas cd i could find which happened to be a Jessica Simpson Christmas C.D. which is enough to induce suicide.

sickness

So I've got tonsillitis again for about the 500th time in the past year and a half. On Monday I have an appointment to talk with a ear nose and throat specialist about finally getting my tonsils removed I guess I have some thing where I've had tonsillitis and strep so much that my tonsils are permanently enlarged. gross. So I was reading about tonsillectomies in adults and some say that the recovery hurts worse than child birth. Oh god. the recovery time is about 2 to 3 weeks and there can be abnormal bleeding in the the throat. I'm really nervous and I haven't even scheduled the surgery yet. Christmas is coming up soon. I usually ADORE this time of year but it seems to soon I feel like I'm being rushed towards Christmas. I'm not even going to be able to afford Christmas shopping until the 20th of December. I went to Chemeketa to turn in my Psychology book (what B.S. class) and they told me it wasn't worth anything because they changed the edition. Seriously Someone should come up with an idea for renting text books. pay like 5 bucks each month for every text you have out. It's smart then you're guaranteed not to be stuck with a book that's worthless. I think I failed both my classes this term trying to work too much. It's really frustrating. I'm a b student and I failed for the first time in college. Oh well finals are over and it's Christmas break now!

So I had a thought the other day.....If the idea of Christianity leads to heaven who does Christ worship? Himself? Another religious icon? Maybe he's just really really really narcissistic. Like "heaven" is just a big church devoted to himself with stain glass pictures of all the "amazing" things he's done so he can look at himself every day. Kind of like Tyra Banks on her talk show and "Americas' Next Top Model"

Anyways I have to go into work today at least I talked them down to only working for 4 hours instead of 9. I still feel like my head is going to explode. I'm supposed to work tomorrow but I Really don't want to. I'd rather go to Portland and powells with Jess. YAY biggest book store on the west coast. It really is amazing it's an entire city block and like 3 stories full of books. Is it wrong to fake your own death to get out of work?

Losing

You know when you're on the beach as a kid and you stand right next to the water so that when a wave finally comes up it will run over your feet and you wait for that minute when you stand still and the wave goes back out again and it feels like your moving and all the sand slips out from under your toes. That's kind how life feels right now except without the giggling and excitement that it will happen again the next time a wave comes. It feels like I'm standing still and then all of a sudden everything comes at once and then gets pulled out from under me. I should be moving... moving forward that's what everyone else does but then once that feeling is gone I still realize that I'm in the exact same spot I was before.

I feel so guilty

The one thing I do hate about Nordstrom is.... I feel so guilty like forcing people to buy WAY over priced socks and accessories. The other day I sold this elderly lady 90 dollars worth of hosier that I'm sure she DIDN'T need. Just because I kept showing her things and was like oh my goodness you have to get this! And she bought it all :( Sorry. I feel like such a fraud doing stuff like that. Like pressuring people to buy stuff. It's cheap. I would rather work in cosmetics because I can see the value of paying like 24 dollars for foundation because you put it on your skin and it has chemicals in it so you don't want something cheap but dear god no one NEEDS one pair of 24 dollar juicy couture socks.

Busy busy bee

I've had one of the craziest Busiest weeks ever. I've been working just about every day like 10 hour days. And now that Nordstrom is having their Half yearly sale it's even busier at work. I am liking the job a lot except for the standing for 9 hours thing is really getting to me god I hate it. I'm starting to fall behind in school which sucks and it's really frustrating and stressful but today I went in to the college and talked to an academic adviser finally about how to get everything organized and finish my transfer degree. The other day on my way to work I tripped and fell really bad on the concrete and cut up my hand my ankle and my knee and sprained my other ankle it's still swollen and sore, but, some lady saw me fall and was really nice and stopped and was really concerned if I was okay. I remembered her business on the side of her car from Picture people and she gave me a ride the rest of the way to the bus stop then bought me java crew coffee lol It's good to know that there are still some nice people in this world that are genuine and aren't too busy for anyone but themselves. I really appreciated that a lot. Today when I went in to chemeketa on my way back home in Keizer this elderly lady was trying to make a left hand turn and didn't see me and went across my lane and I had to slam on my brakes and i was just like praying in the car that it would stop in time like a second before it would have hit.. but unfortunately it did hit. There is very very minimal damage. which is really lucky.And she was very shaken up but okay and i was fine. I feel so bad for her though if it was my car and not my mothers I probably would just be like it's okay you don't have to fix it but after the cars collided and she was at a stop she just sunk down in her seat and stuck her hands to her face and I thought she was just going to bawl. Ugh I know I probably shouldn't feel bad for her just because she's elderly but blah. I have too big of a heart. Jamie might be coming up to salem today hoorah. I wish she still lived here but oh well. Anyway I should probably get caught up on all of my missing assignments. I feel so bad for that lady still, god.

Job

It looks like my financial problems have a resolution!
I finally got a call back from Nordstrom this afternoon while
reading books on the floor of borders with my friend Jess.
I got a full time position there working in the hosiery/accessories
department. I'm pretty excited I start tomorrow. But also kind
of nervous.
I had fun with Jessica today. She's one of my only friends in my life right now
that is like steady and not just making a complete nark of themselves.
Oh well.
I'm addicted to Coconut body butter from the body shop
and I just ran out. I HAVE to get more. It's the only thing
that makes my skin stop itching and and It smells so delicious!

now I have to pick out an outfit to wear tomorrow!
I want to wear these muted silver leaf earrings but I can only find one of the
pair.... like all the rest of my earrings.

The Times they are a changin'

I spent most of the day cleaning my room finally which meant unpacking all of
the things from new jersey. I felt so angry doing it. I know I subconsciously put it off
for so long because.. well I'll admit it now. I am so god damn angry with myself for giving up
for leaving so soon and right now at this exact moment I feel like im still not ready to be back from jersey. I still want to be over there. Why did I have to come home? Why did I have to give up so quickly like I do on EVERYTHING. When un packing I found notes from my mom about how proud of me she was and a postcard of new York and other encouragement from friends. When I moved away my friendships here were never stronger. I felt that people genuinely cared. Does it really take 5000 miles these days to make a good relationship. I actually talked to my sister and people seemed genuinely excited for me as I was for myself. Doing something so grandeur in my life that I always dreamed of but never thought would actually happen. I don't think that I could ever go back though. I don't have the means to go back. I didn't even give it a chance. What kind of chance is 2 months. And right when I came home It wasn't exciting no one ran up and hugged me said "I'm so glad that you're back." Ugh I guess I just am really disappointed in myself A LOT these days. Not just about Jersey but about everything. I'm slipping on my school work and I'm in debt right along with my parents my relationships with that of my family and friends are on very tangled strings. I'm not productive, I haven't even painted in like half a year. I'm not where I thought I would be at this point in my life. I'm idiling and the clutch is stuck. Something needs to change. In just about every aspect of my life. I have to change myself. Stop blaming it on stupid things and "man up" okay woman up.

Have you ever ended a friendship and actually felt good about it?
It can feel amazing like something you've been putting off forever
and then you do it and you just feel like you've finally accomplished something
and you have the feel of relief.
It's amazing
it's like drugs that sheer stress relief.

Had a job interview with the real estate agency office for the
state gov. buildings. I think it went pretty good. I should know pretty soon
I would love that job! Definitely a good foot in the door job.
Fingers are being crossed!

So I got most everything situation with federal student aid today.
Glad I finally got that taken care of now that i'm into my second year of
college and have never used FASFA. Now I'm just thinking I need to take out
a stafford loan then I can continue on with college.
I am pretty sure I narrowed it down to two schools I would love to go to
next year. It's between PNCA and linfield College. Both have amazing things about them
that I love and both have things that I could live without.
So who knows.

Taken from a news report at seen on comcast.net

Almost a third of all apes, monkeys and other primates are in danger of extinction because of rampant habitat destruction, the commercial sale of their meat and the trade in illegal wildlife, a report released Friday said.

Of the world's 394 primate species, 114 are classified as threatened with extinction by the World Conservation Union.

The report by Conservation International and the International Primatological Society in Hainan, China, focuses on the plight of the 25 most endangered primates, including China's Hainan gibbon, of which only 17 remain.

"You could fit all the surviving members of the 25 species in a single football stadium; that's how few of them remain on Earth today," said Russell A. Mittermeier, president of Conservation International


That's insane! Especially that last part.

Being the amazing procrastinator that I am, I gave myself 10 minutes to write and submit a 300 word descriptive paper on the topic of my choice.....
It ended up being a 300 word paper about my purse.
and received an A. Who knew it was possible to write 300 words
about your purse.


Other than that this whole family rough patch is really kind of sucking.
It's so frustrating to have my parents fighting and then for some reason
because my mom fucked up and put us in debt
everything is my fault because I'm the oldest child?
Today I got blamed for not being able to go grocery shopping.
Maybe you should have taken away moms credit cards!
I guess like mother like daughter eh?
Hers are all on her desk cut up like confetti now.
God I hope this ends soon.

I got a call from one of the departments from the state buildings for an interview
which would be an amazing job. Complete with a huge potential in for any other job for the rest of my life working for the state (can you say... great benefits!) I just wish someone would call me soon. My parents need me out. I'm surprised they haven't asked me to sell a kidney or plasma yet. There's always tomorrow.

Lately.

Wow, It’s been quite awhile since I’ve written anything and yet there’s been a whirl wind of stuff that’s happened. I haven’t had time or the emotional capacity to form an entire entry lately. First off a week ago on Thursday the 11 a childhood friend and adulthood acquaintance of mine was struck by a cement truck while riding her bike downtown Portland. My parents have never been very emotional people. My mom hates hugs and saying I love you and all that stuff. This isn’t the first time I’ve had to bury a friend and yet they don’t even bother to ask me if I’m okay. They don’t ask me if I want to talk about it they pretend it hasn’t happened or just say “oh wow, when’s the funeral” When Jared died they didn’t even care and my mom wouldn’t even take me to the funeral. She made me get a ride with someone and he was my first love. Tracey’s funeral was very sad I was hoping I wouldn’t cry but I did. Of course. I’ve been slacking in school a lot lately too I have so much work to make up and my internet is down all I have is the computer upstairs which my sister refuses to let me use because she’s filling out college applications. Also this past week my father decided in addition to letting my sister take my moms care to drive to school he was going to go out and buy her a car. Are they fucking serious? I for one never got a car whenever I asked and was never allowed to drive myself to school occasionally or to work. I had to ride the bus. I feel like there were a lot of things in high school that I wanted to do and had to miss out on because I never had transportation. My parents treat her like the prodigal son. Of course she gets good grades but that’s about it. She sits on her ass and eats food and looks like a blubbery hunch back. She doesn’t know how to use the dishwasher and she just learned how to use the laundry machine. She watches more TV than anyone in the entire world combined should be allowed to watch. Then today I’m trying to fix the internet so I can finish my school work for the week when I’m upstairs and my dad is treating me like I know NOTHING about the computer telling me what he did to it to fix the wireless network. ( uhh I’m the one that installed the entire wireless network in the first place because he didn’t know how to do it. Anyways, my princess sister had an obnoxious friend over named Ryan and I was having a private discussion with my dad about how it wasn’t working and this guy has the nerve in OUR household to say to me “maybe it’s karma” YOU FUCKING BITCH. Seriously I wanted to rip his head off. You have no right to fucking talk crap to me when you’re in my house and I wasn’t even speaking to you. Butt out asshole. So I told him what he could do with his karma and then I got punished. How the fuck do you punish a 19 year old? God. Then my parents pull my aside and go into this whole thing about how I’m a huge disappointment and I’ll never be a success in life and pretty much hinting that if I just killed myself now that their problems would be over. Apparently my mom fucking racked up 30,000 dollars in debt and then my dad is paying for it now. After he just shelled out all the money for my sisters’ car. Haha “maybe it’s karma” So pretty much they said I’m not their responsibility anymore and that I should just leave and pay my own way in life pay for food, school, housing, a car, med. Bills and everything on my own. I’m sorry but the moment that they decided to not wear a condom I became their responsibility for the rest of their lives. I think sometimes I was their practice child and then they realized oh fuck we’re not ready so they waited to years and had my sister.. who is their real child. Anyways I have to go stay with a friend tonight ( not that I feel like I have very good friends right now) because my parents want me out for good. Because I’m too much of a strain on the economics?? Wtf look around my room and through my things I dare them to name 10 things that they’ve bought for me in the last 10 years that wasn’t a gift for Christmas or a birthday! Anyways other than that in life I’ve been feeling really confused. I don’t know what I believe in anymore. It was really hard to lose Tracey even though we weren’t that close anymore it’s just kind of a wake up call like.. Take a look around everything can be gone in an instant. You never know what happening next. I doubt that she would have any regrets about her life because she was such a warm person and achieved so much in her short life. I just don’t know anymore. If I died right now I would have so many regrets and so many things that I wish I would have done and yet I don’t see myself striving to achieve those things. I feel like I do the same thing every day. I don’t even try. Anyways there really is a lot more too all of this and the way that I feel lately but this entry is already long enough. It’s the very brief version.
I need some help, or some support and I feel like I’m
Searching for it in a pitch black room full of knives.
Out.

STOP BLOODY ASKING ME IF I AM OKAY.
I AM NOT OKAY.

I've got no more fight left in me.

Feet planted firmly on the ground

I'm stuck.
I'm just stuck with nothing.
I am SO much BIGGER than the life that I am leading at this time.
I had so many dreams
so many goals
I was striving towards perfect towards everything I wanted
now I'm stuck
I'm "happy" being content.
Just thinking about everything that I wanted to do and where I really am.
Of course I've done a lot. I've moved out twice one of those times
even all the way to New Jersey. How come I couldn't commit to stay?
How come I can't even bring myself to go talk to an academic adviser to
getting on the right track yet.
I make excuses but if it's something that I really wanted I would do it.
I had a job interview this morning for a reception position at
Salem clinic... do I really see myself doing exactly what my mother is doing?
Do I want to settle for that?
I wanted to travel the world... more than just New Jersey.
I guess all of this is sparked from a friend I used to have my sophomore year of high school,I guess she found me on myspace and I guess she went on to art school
in Italy and all this other stuff. Which were pretty much my dream too minus not necessarily Italy and not to mention that she is a year younger than me.
I know I'm 19 and I can pretty much do anything that I want still at the point
but I guess I don't feel that I have any motivation.
I'm motivated when I first get a notion and get really excited but I think that it's always just excitement. I can never follow through. Ever. I never follow through on anything now that I think about it. I find a flaw about ever single thing. Every friendship every job every school every situation. Just always. I don't even know anymore. I guess somehow I have to get my life going because it's not going anywhere. I've been really stressed out lately.
I need to finally apply for PNCA and get my portfolio done but then I'm afraid I'll just change my mind and it will be a huge waste of my money and my time. But can a life experience really be a waste of money and time? I am in my second year of college and I have only 9 credits. That's pathetic. Ugh I don't even know. I need to do some serious thinking.

Toxic relationships

My body is shaky but my brain is asleep. That's what caffeine will do to you right before bed. I can't sleep and I can't focus on my homework so I've just been watching nip/tuck. It's kind of an addicting show. I can't say that I'd ever have plastic surgery. Except for being a bit overweight which is fixable there's nothing that I would want to change about my features. The only thing I can see myself ever considering surgically altering would to be to have a breast lift.
It's too bad you can't surgically alter your memory
such as toxic friendships.
Today was the end of a friendship. I probably could have been more tactful is doing so, in ending it, but, it had to be done now. ( Wow that was a lot of commas) We managed to be close friends for a very long while. Even while I moved to New Jersey she Continued to write me snail mail a couple times a week. But since I've been back she has ditched me twice and has ceased to make any effort to hang out with me and now I'm stuck with all these gifts I bought her in NJ. I guess while I was gone she lost a lot of weight and is kind of obsessed with herself, I mean go her she has every right to be happy with herself now but it shouldn't be in the way of your friendships and on top of that she got a new job wiping old peoples asses which
i guess she thinks is like "oh my god I got an 'adult job' now!" WRONG. You're an elderly persons bitch... seriously come on now. I don't have time for other peoples inflated egos. Plus there are a lot of mutual friends of ours that have been cut off as well which, it feels good. I feel like it needed to happen. It's my emancipation from childhood. I texted her a simple "see ya" and a small reply from her saying "what are you leaving somewhere" and a reply from me "yes, I am leaving this friendship" And that's that.
In other happenings I saw the new Chuck Close exhibit yesterday at the Portland Art Museum. It was fantastic. I was kind of disappointed that it wasn't such a huge variety of his works but I still really liked it plus it was A LOT less crowded than the Egyptian exhibit a while back. And now crazy moms wheeling their toddlers in over priced strollers through ancient artifacts that they children could really care less about. I woke up today to my sister banging on my door saying something about how she is sick and she was supposed to go do childcare for some people so I had to go in her place so I was stuck with a two year old and a 4 year old for a few hours. At least for most of the time I was there the two year old was in nap time. I made a few bucks too so that's okay but seriously, I think their child might turn out to be a serial killer. The four year old was making me play mr. potato head with her as well as with her dolls and she kept making them die. Like the baby kept falling on it's head out of the stroller and people kept jumping from the roof of the doll house then during mister potato head she kept ripping off all of it's body parts and saying that it was falling apart and dying. Maybe I'm just not around children very often but uhhhh is this normal? It was kind of frightening.
Tomorrow is the day I meet with the phone guy. I am selling him my cell phone for 110 dollars. hmm. I'll get over it. Plus he's pretty cute. Although I think he might be seeing some one. I guess he goes to Chemeketa too.
I have got to go do something productive including sleeping or homework.

These people make me want to jump off a cliff

just like you randomly added 1000 other people?
Not cool mister.
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Money, Success, Fame, Glamour
Date: Oct 4, 2007 10:11 PM


naw, i just randomly added you :D
Im Evan.
:]

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Arika
Date: Oct 4, 2007 10:06 PM


Do I know you?