Lately.

Wow, It’s been quite awhile since I’ve written anything and yet there’s been a whirl wind of stuff that’s happened. I haven’t had time or the emotional capacity to form an entire entry lately. First off a week ago on Thursday the 11 a childhood friend and adulthood acquaintance of mine was struck by a cement truck while riding her bike downtown Portland. My parents have never been very emotional people. My mom hates hugs and saying I love you and all that stuff. This isn’t the first time I’ve had to bury a friend and yet they don’t even bother to ask me if I’m okay. They don’t ask me if I want to talk about it they pretend it hasn’t happened or just say “oh wow, when’s the funeral” When Jared died they didn’t even care and my mom wouldn’t even take me to the funeral. She made me get a ride with someone and he was my first love. Tracey’s funeral was very sad I was hoping I wouldn’t cry but I did. Of course. I’ve been slacking in school a lot lately too I have so much work to make up and my internet is down all I have is the computer upstairs which my sister refuses to let me use because she’s filling out college applications. Also this past week my father decided in addition to letting my sister take my moms care to drive to school he was going to go out and buy her a car. Are they fucking serious? I for one never got a car whenever I asked and was never allowed to drive myself to school occasionally or to work. I had to ride the bus. I feel like there were a lot of things in high school that I wanted to do and had to miss out on because I never had transportation. My parents treat her like the prodigal son. Of course she gets good grades but that’s about it. She sits on her ass and eats food and looks like a blubbery hunch back. She doesn’t know how to use the dishwasher and she just learned how to use the laundry machine. She watches more TV than anyone in the entire world combined should be allowed to watch. Then today I’m trying to fix the internet so I can finish my school work for the week when I’m upstairs and my dad is treating me like I know NOTHING about the computer telling me what he did to it to fix the wireless network. ( uhh I’m the one that installed the entire wireless network in the first place because he didn’t know how to do it. Anyways, my princess sister had an obnoxious friend over named Ryan and I was having a private discussion with my dad about how it wasn’t working and this guy has the nerve in OUR household to say to me “maybe it’s karma” YOU FUCKING BITCH. Seriously I wanted to rip his head off. You have no right to fucking talk crap to me when you’re in my house and I wasn’t even speaking to you. Butt out asshole. So I told him what he could do with his karma and then I got punished. How the fuck do you punish a 19 year old? God. Then my parents pull my aside and go into this whole thing about how I’m a huge disappointment and I’ll never be a success in life and pretty much hinting that if I just killed myself now that their problems would be over. Apparently my mom fucking racked up 30,000 dollars in debt and then my dad is paying for it now. After he just shelled out all the money for my sisters’ car. Haha “maybe it’s karma” So pretty much they said I’m not their responsibility anymore and that I should just leave and pay my own way in life pay for food, school, housing, a car, med. Bills and everything on my own. I’m sorry but the moment that they decided to not wear a condom I became their responsibility for the rest of their lives. I think sometimes I was their practice child and then they realized oh fuck we’re not ready so they waited to years and had my sister.. who is their real child. Anyways I have to go stay with a friend tonight ( not that I feel like I have very good friends right now) because my parents want me out for good. Because I’m too much of a strain on the economics?? Wtf look around my room and through my things I dare them to name 10 things that they’ve bought for me in the last 10 years that wasn’t a gift for Christmas or a birthday! Anyways other than that in life I’ve been feeling really confused. I don’t know what I believe in anymore. It was really hard to lose Tracey even though we weren’t that close anymore it’s just kind of a wake up call like.. Take a look around everything can be gone in an instant. You never know what happening next. I doubt that she would have any regrets about her life because she was such a warm person and achieved so much in her short life. I just don’t know anymore. If I died right now I would have so many regrets and so many things that I wish I would have done and yet I don’t see myself striving to achieve those things. I feel like I do the same thing every day. I don’t even try. Anyways there really is a lot more too all of this and the way that I feel lately but this entry is already long enough. It’s the very brief version.
I need some help, or some support and I feel like I’m
Searching for it in a pitch black room full of knives.
Out.

STOP BLOODY ASKING ME IF I AM OKAY.
I AM NOT OKAY.

I've got no more fight left in me.

Feet planted firmly on the ground

I'm stuck.
I'm just stuck with nothing.
I am SO much BIGGER than the life that I am leading at this time.
I had so many dreams
so many goals
I was striving towards perfect towards everything I wanted
now I'm stuck
I'm "happy" being content.
Just thinking about everything that I wanted to do and where I really am.
Of course I've done a lot. I've moved out twice one of those times
even all the way to New Jersey. How come I couldn't commit to stay?
How come I can't even bring myself to go talk to an academic adviser to
getting on the right track yet.
I make excuses but if it's something that I really wanted I would do it.
I had a job interview this morning for a reception position at
Salem clinic... do I really see myself doing exactly what my mother is doing?
Do I want to settle for that?
I wanted to travel the world... more than just New Jersey.
I guess all of this is sparked from a friend I used to have my sophomore year of high school,I guess she found me on myspace and I guess she went on to art school
in Italy and all this other stuff. Which were pretty much my dream too minus not necessarily Italy and not to mention that she is a year younger than me.
I know I'm 19 and I can pretty much do anything that I want still at the point
but I guess I don't feel that I have any motivation.
I'm motivated when I first get a notion and get really excited but I think that it's always just excitement. I can never follow through. Ever. I never follow through on anything now that I think about it. I find a flaw about ever single thing. Every friendship every job every school every situation. Just always. I don't even know anymore. I guess somehow I have to get my life going because it's not going anywhere. I've been really stressed out lately.
I need to finally apply for PNCA and get my portfolio done but then I'm afraid I'll just change my mind and it will be a huge waste of my money and my time. But can a life experience really be a waste of money and time? I am in my second year of college and I have only 9 credits. That's pathetic. Ugh I don't even know. I need to do some serious thinking.

Toxic relationships

My body is shaky but my brain is asleep. That's what caffeine will do to you right before bed. I can't sleep and I can't focus on my homework so I've just been watching nip/tuck. It's kind of an addicting show. I can't say that I'd ever have plastic surgery. Except for being a bit overweight which is fixable there's nothing that I would want to change about my features. The only thing I can see myself ever considering surgically altering would to be to have a breast lift.
It's too bad you can't surgically alter your memory
such as toxic friendships.
Today was the end of a friendship. I probably could have been more tactful is doing so, in ending it, but, it had to be done now. ( Wow that was a lot of commas) We managed to be close friends for a very long while. Even while I moved to New Jersey she Continued to write me snail mail a couple times a week. But since I've been back she has ditched me twice and has ceased to make any effort to hang out with me and now I'm stuck with all these gifts I bought her in NJ. I guess while I was gone she lost a lot of weight and is kind of obsessed with herself, I mean go her she has every right to be happy with herself now but it shouldn't be in the way of your friendships and on top of that she got a new job wiping old peoples asses which
i guess she thinks is like "oh my god I got an 'adult job' now!" WRONG. You're an elderly persons bitch... seriously come on now. I don't have time for other peoples inflated egos. Plus there are a lot of mutual friends of ours that have been cut off as well which, it feels good. I feel like it needed to happen. It's my emancipation from childhood. I texted her a simple "see ya" and a small reply from her saying "what are you leaving somewhere" and a reply from me "yes, I am leaving this friendship" And that's that.
In other happenings I saw the new Chuck Close exhibit yesterday at the Portland Art Museum. It was fantastic. I was kind of disappointed that it wasn't such a huge variety of his works but I still really liked it plus it was A LOT less crowded than the Egyptian exhibit a while back. And now crazy moms wheeling their toddlers in over priced strollers through ancient artifacts that they children could really care less about. I woke up today to my sister banging on my door saying something about how she is sick and she was supposed to go do childcare for some people so I had to go in her place so I was stuck with a two year old and a 4 year old for a few hours. At least for most of the time I was there the two year old was in nap time. I made a few bucks too so that's okay but seriously, I think their child might turn out to be a serial killer. The four year old was making me play mr. potato head with her as well as with her dolls and she kept making them die. Like the baby kept falling on it's head out of the stroller and people kept jumping from the roof of the doll house then during mister potato head she kept ripping off all of it's body parts and saying that it was falling apart and dying. Maybe I'm just not around children very often but uhhhh is this normal? It was kind of frightening.
Tomorrow is the day I meet with the phone guy. I am selling him my cell phone for 110 dollars. hmm. I'll get over it. Plus he's pretty cute. Although I think he might be seeing some one. I guess he goes to Chemeketa too.
I have got to go do something productive including sleeping or homework.

These people make me want to jump off a cliff

just like you randomly added 1000 other people?
Not cool mister.
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Money, Success, Fame, Glamour
Date: Oct 4, 2007 10:11 PM


naw, i just randomly added you :D
Im Evan.
:]

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Arika
Date: Oct 4, 2007 10:06 PM


Do I know you?

Ding Dong Ditch

So my question is, when did it become O.K. for people to be flaky?
I had a friend, a very good friend that I am very close to the other day
that I was supposed to go out to lunch with, He picked me up we drove around then
he needed to go his house to fix his sub or something so that was already out of the plan and me sitting in his car for about 20 minutes then all of a sudden he tells me that someone from his work has been wanting to hang out with him and now they have free time so he takes me back home?? You can get much more rude then that. Then I have this other friend who when I was living in New Jersey would write me about 2 snail mail letters every week but has yet to see me since I've gotten home and has ditched me twice Who doesn't even try to keep in contact with me. She made all these plans with me about moving to Portland then ditched me at the last minute then treated me like I was stupid and didn't know how costly it is to move when she's 18 sheltered and has never moved out I'm older have moved out twice I think I have a little more experience in the matter. People just don't value their friendships like they used to anymore It's really hurtful. Especially when they call you the next day and want to tell you all about their love life and their problems and stuff and you kind of just want to say "hey, Fuck you."

Money

I have a problem.
A money spending problem
I don't know where ANY of my money goes.
And I have nothing to show for it.
I spend it too fast
Much too fast.
My parents help pay for school
I don't have a car
I don't have designer clothes
So, where did it go?
Debt.
Debt is not fun.
I better get a job interview soon.

Backwards

That's how my thong has been all day.
How did I not notice?

The comforts of home

So the New Jersey thing turned out to be a huge mistake. I mean I guess nothing is ever really a mistake because you always learn something so I guess it was just a less than favorable learning experience. I've been back home now for about a week. I'm really glad to be back i started thinking how much I was looking forward to fall and then I really started to miss Oregon. it's so beautiful in the fall here the color of the leaves, the gray skies and big rain drops (I'm a huge fan of rainy days, my moms home cooking, the smell of wood smoke from the fireplace. I'm getting ready to paint my room which is exciting and really sad at the same time it's like having to admit that I'm going to be living with my parents a little while longer but at least it won't be like rip out your eyes acid colored green. I've gotten to hang out with most of my friends since I came back except for Jamie who moved over the summer to Eugene. I think next weekend I will go down there and visit her and see the house her and Jared got. Everything just feels comforatble right now. School just started I'm only taking 9 credits this term
Intro to psychology
Understanding art
and some writing class. It's a pretty good variety though. I really wanted to take the class death and dying but it was all full it seems like it would be a really fascinating course though.

"Nanny diaries"

It's sunday morning, well actually sunday afternoon now. About 1. I still haven't seen michele since last night again so I don't know when anyone will be home. I'm trying to make 3 meals a day out of pasta because that's the only thing they have in the entire house. I counted 16 different kinds of cheese raviolis in their freezer... between that and the ice bucket.. it pretty much takes up all the space. Not to mention they have two entire cupboards full of brailla pasta in every different shape size you can imagine. The other day she sent me to the store to buy linguine and when michele got home I asked if i got the right kind of noodles and they all laughed at me. apparently there is a BIG difference between noodles and pasta. They are all noodles though. I don't care. Michele is kind of crazy they have so many like weird things sometimes I feel like i'm doing things that I was not told I was going to be doing. I feel more like a maid than an au pair. Usually nannies are responsible for picking up after the kids maybe keeping the kids rooms organized and doing the kids laundry MAYBE but I have to clean micheles room and closets and stuff too. I take her dry cleaning make appointments for her and so on. I take oliver to the dog groomers and I have to feed him and give him medecine etc... NOT TO MENTION that they all pretend to love oliver but no one feeds him on the weekends because they all just leave and do their own thing. I've gotten up and fed him twice this weekend because no one does it! And they only feed him once a day because they think he's fat which he isn't. Plus he's been on the same diet with the same food for about a year now and there's been no difference. Michele reminds me of the woman on that show King of Queens... you know Carrie the girl that's married to the big guy Doug. She looks alot like her and they have the same accent and the same personalities. She is kind of werid she freaks out about everything. Every ru g in the house has to be washed weekly. WEEKLY. Not every other week but WEEKLY. I swear she has about 700 glade plug ins in every square inch of the house. Which make my throat want to close up. Everytime after you cook anything she demands that you spray febreeze air effect EVERYWHERE so her house doesn't smell like food. I think that I have inhaled so much febreeze when I breathe out I'm just recyling it. I know i'm allergic to something in the house cause there's always gunk in my through my nose is dry and stuffed upand my eyes are puffy and watery. I keep getting a rash on my stomach and my legs are REALLY itchy. I think it's the matteress.. Honestly I think it has bed bugs. Its disgusting. It's like really old and the frame is a piece of crap. I wake up every morning and have to take 3 advil because it hurts my back. There have been 15 different people that have slept on that mattress. It smells bad and there is no box spring or any support for it it's like a really ol d falling apart day bed thing with just wires on the bottom and an old matteress. I'm starting to think it has bed bugs from my rash or bug bites or whatever they are. I have washed the sheets every other day because i just feel gross but it doesn't really help. I don't know it's just kind of... a little hole in the back of the laundry room behind the waterheater where they store all their stuff they don't need anymore. Ugh I don't know. The college here is crazy and is a pain in the A** to register with they make everything like 700 times more difficult than it really is. And now that I got that lost i pretty much had a panic attack and almost threw up in the car the other day and now I don't really want to leave the house. The other day michele was talking about her boyfriend (john)'s Ex wife and how she was so horrible to her kids that like if they wanted to go to a movie or a concert or buy some new clothes or needed a new cell phone she made them pay for it themselve s and just how she was a bi*ch for that and how awful of a parent that was. And was thinking well thanks you pretty much just called my mom that too.....so yeah. Anyways not much new going on. Cooking some pasta right now and washing my sheets. Go figure.I hope the family doesn't come over tonight they were just here on thursday and I always feel really awkward like I'm supposed to be out there but at the same time i don't want to be but then do they think i'm rude and i pretty much just want them to go home because they are SO loud and noisy and just they make a huge mess and expect me to clean it up the next day. and there are like 20 of them! and they are here all the time! I mean New Jersey is pretty nice, kind of expensive here I guess it tops the list almost as one of the most expensive states to live in. I didn't know that. Even with no sales tax! Oh and I don't have to pump my own gas either they do that for you too. I found out that it is the Diner captiol of the world. There are more diners in New jersey than in any other state! Which is true!Aberdeen is about the size from our house to West salem highschool it's small and they have two diners. lol and there is ATLEAST 1 in every small town like that. It's crazy. Anyways My sheets are ready to put in the dryer

What's the point

of being a woman if you're 19 and infertile and sickyly.

Shedding

So it's been a crazy couple of weeks! I don't remember when the last time I wrote was but I guess a lot has happened without me even realizing until all of it compiled into one! Lost some friends but at the same time it feels good it's like sloughing off the dead weight that only weighs you down in life. I feel like at this point i know who the amazing people in my life are. Sam I know you'll always be there and that you genuinely care and will never judge me and only look out for my best interest, Jamie.... sometimes i just want to shake my head at you but you are so easy to get along with. You don't give a fuck and that's what makes you awesome.You're not a very "emotional" friend kind of person so... I'll leave it at that. I purchased my airplane ticket the other day. set me back 401 dollars! Yikes! I have never felt more poor in my life but at the same time i think it's money well spent. I can't wait to get to new jersey but sometimes i still have panic attacks about going..I freak out about everything like what if they don't like me mostly. But then I just have to remind myself that they are probably just as nervous thinking I won't like them. Right now I'm kind of packing and cleaning my room and also my life discarding things or people that only will weigh my luggage down and making sure to make room for the things and people I care about.

4th of july

I really hate the fourth of July it's probably my least favorite holiday which puts things like presidents day and martin luther king jr. day ahead of it. People gather together to eat animal products on a bbq and watch things explode. Fireworks are so boring, they all look the same (maybe that's because I live in oregon and all the fun ones are illegal)

Toilet paper

Do men not understand that no matter what a woman does in the restroom we're going to need toilet paper? I was drinking with "jake" the other day at his house and I go to use the restroom and realise there's no toilet paper (of course) and i'm like hey "Jake" got any toilet paper? So he runs around the garage and house rummaging for toilet paper and he pulls out a thing of paper towels.... Ugh. So I go to tear off half a paper towel and realise that I'm wiping with Susan G. Komen Breast cancer paper towels....

Ghost safari

Yeah went on a ghost safari. Lots of great orb pictures still waiting for Jeff to go over the tape for EVPs.

statistically

"When we get to the bridge we'll lose two people, it's statistics."
Or maybe this was only hilarious because I'm drunk
It's whiskey Wednesday!
Tried to sleep on the trampoline with Jeff last night until the sprinklers turned on
ha ha what a smart idea.
Job interview tomorrow
hope all goes well.

I see: A rafting trip in the near future.

1 out of 2

1 out of 2 friendships reconciled. Thank you for the apology it was greatly appreciated. Nothing like getting lost in the country in the night and almost dying to patch up a broken friendship!That's one of the things I wish I did more often but gas is so god damn expensive. One of my absolute favorite things to do is to drive around the country at night and listen to music. It feels so homely. I love the smell of the country in summer the smell of the sweet hay.

When I'm old

When I'm old I hope to still be in as much love as my grandparents are. They still take turns cooking for each other and setting the table even if it's only the two of them. They still give each other kisses and pat each other on the bottom (that may sound weird to some of you) but in some ways it's cute that they can still be like that after 70 years of marriage.