Great gift idea

The other day I was looking for good fathers day gifts and trying to figure out something to get my hiking/rafting enthusiast father for the occasion. I came across La police gears 511 Shorts and thought they would be perfect! They have 7 pockets that are extremely durable for all those rocks and knick knacks he likes to collect on his trips! Now these shorts are made for military/government workers like the army or police force but they are such a great steal and you can wear them too, they also have them in kids sizes. What a great idea for all those summer trips! A few select pairs are going for as low as 12.99 right now so better snatch up the great deal for any of your favorite service men or that special father of yours!

They say when it rains it pours

So my week

* Found out I am getting laid off for half of summer and fall.
*Cousin died funeral is tomorrow getting emotionally prepared for that.
*Best friend moved away

I'm so upset about being laid off I just found out.
I guess I should treat it like a mini vacation but i cannot financially afford to just be thrown around
because the retail business is sucking now.. PEOPLE BUY THINGS! I need a job.

So much for the polar bear

Night terrors

If you are dreaming when you die in your sleep what do you dream of?

Miss you

I'm going to miss you so much!
P.s. Happy birthday!

A mess

I promise to start writing regularly again.
Life has just been a mess right now
Today I had a horrible day at work we just kept getting slammed with returns,
I lost ten bucks and spilt coffee on my white shirt.
Got home sat on the couch and my mom and dad walked up and proceeded to tell me
that My 12 year old cousin had just died.
I'm so distraught right now. I thought I was done with deaths and I dont
even know how to handle it.
I feel so just lost.
or numb I'm not sure
We all knew it was coming but it was so sudden..
I always figured that he would just get sick and then it would be a few months.
but my mom saw him about 4 days ago and said he didn't look too well
and then i guess he was just gone.
So when things are better
and more organized i'll have a fuller update.

I feel guilty that I haven't been keeping up with school lately. I already know I failed one of my classes because I missed the final which was really frustrating. I hate online classes. I wish I had a way to actually go to school. I'm getting really sick of walking to work every day too to a job that doesn't make me happy to be there. I think i'm just cranky cause it's nordstrom's half yearly sale and I'm so sick of having bruises on my hands from putting so much clothing away! I've still been seeing evan. It's going okay I guess I actually had a really good date with him the previous night except i got hurt.. of course how embarassing. But he was so cute about it he was so worried. Wednesday was his birthday so I baked him cupcakes today and got him a bunch of 35 mm film for his camera so i get to drop that off tomorrow morning :)

Tour of New York City

While I briefly lived in New Jersey I got to visit New York City a bit!

It was so much fun! My cousin and I met on the train in New Jersey and rode over to

the city. When we got there we immediately got on the subway which was so fun because we have nothing like that over here. First off we went to the Museum of Natural History to explore, I had been to the one in Vancouver Canada before but I loved the one in NYC. After that we took a stroll through central park and saw about 3 different events going on in the middle of the park, it was gorgeous there. By then we were starving and went to eat pastrami sandwiches and pickles at carnigee deli! I have never had a pastrami sandwich that delicious before. After dinner we went to shop in China town where I found fabulous channel knock off earrings and then we headed to little Italy for some gelato! To finish off the night we took another subway ride to Times Square. Wow. It was incredible it was like being in the daytime in the middle of the night because of all the lights. I couldn’t believe all the people that were there. It was insane! I wish I had gone back and done a bit more of the touristy stuff though. I really wanted to go on the sex and the city tour I had heard about where you get to visit locations that they used during the filming of the TV series! At the time I didn’t really know where to find reliable information about the different tours that were offered. But, I just found this site Trusted Tours & Attractions.

It has all the hottest Things to do in New York City with easy maps and information about the tours along with photos! If you aren’t planning on visiting New York any time soon they also have exciting tours in 22 other cities across the United States. Check out things to do in San Fransisco if you're headed to the West Coast. They have the best options for sightseeing tours. Right now if you sign up for Trusted Tours & Attractions newsletter you will be entered for a chance to win a free $150 dollar itunes gift card!

Happiness

“the word 'happiness' would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness.”
-jung

Just thought I would share this quote I found today.
Been having a tough time lately
and it made me smile :)

Beep Beep!

Advantage makes renting a car feel like a breeze! That breeze you'll feel when cruising around this summer with the windows down with Advantages fair prices, some as low as $19.99 a day! Head to the beach or up to the mountains for a day of hiking with the friends. Advantage makes it affordable for you to have a car when you want without worrying about all those tune-ups and tire rotations! Their website makes it convenient, you just choose when you need a car what type of vehicle and then pick your drop off date and you're ready to head out for a summer of fun! They even have it set up so you can cancel/view/or change a reservation right from their homepage! Right now if you rent a car and leave feedback you'll earn a free day. How cool is that? What would you spend your free day with a rental car doing? Head on over to take advantage of advantage's great discounts they are offering right now.

My body is a cage

I have to admit that I feel guilty for having been slightly neglectful of my blog. Sometimes the real world just.. gets in the way ha. Work has been picking up which is a very nice change. We moved up our half yearly sale to May 21st which I'm hoping will help but I don't know how we'll do going up against stores like Macy's. Everyone usually expects it in the summer.
Evan and I have seen each other a couple more times but I feel that he's too handsy and just would prefer a modern day "fuck buddy" pardon my language. It's kind of disappointing but oh well. I was talking to my friend Carly about everything and she told me about this guy Christian Carter who's like a dating guru. I started listening and reading his stuff and it actually makes sense. Carly and I were discussing it and it's helped her relationship a lot and just with guys in general. You should check it out.
Here's how to catch and keep great men, all in plain, "real", easy to understand language.
that's the website you can learn about it at.
I've actually been enjoying reading it piece by piece so we'll see how it actually works. I've been trying a couple of the things.
Other than that things are okay.
I'm back home. My roommate turned out to be a crazy alcoholic. It was just a very bad situation.
I'm moving next month though. Kind of looking forward to that but I hate that there's so much time in between.. just enough time I'll have to un pack some stuff to use it but not enough time to actually put everything away just to get it out again so soon.
My throat has been feeling better today. I"m kind of upset with myself that I've been neglecting school so much. I can't afford not to pass a class or else I lose financial aid.. which is the only thing keeping me in school right now! Must go write some papers!
On another note. I've been feeling a lot more like myself recently. It's really relieving. I've started painting again which was drastically over due. I forgot how much I miss it though and actually started listening to acceptable music... for a while there i just stopped caring! Kind of scary to think about the stuff I subjected myself to!
Ahhh so go check out the Arcade Fire.

That's them in an elevator. Pretty creative i like the ripping paper.
Oh well It feels good to be myself again even though it's not complete. I'm missing my friends since they've all spread out to Eugene and Portland. One of my good friends Jeff's lease is up this month and He's moving to Portland too which I mean I kind of feel stranded here. It's so hard to make new friends when you don't really go to school at the school. I miss last summer a lot, lots of random road trips and it was just the most fun.. i'm kind of weary about this summer.

Transform Your Home

Renuzit Tri-Scents uses a combination of three fresh scents in an easy to use plug in oil warmer to fill your house with a clean scent all day! Renuzit offers two deliciously springy scents Morning Meadow and Seaside Breezes. The three scents create a nice blend of a very welcoming atmosphere in your home for you and guests. Right now at Renuzit they are finishing up a contest for one lucky winner to win a 20,000 dollar home make over with Tanya Memme! Yeah that's right! The host of A&E's Sell This House!


















You have to go to the website to check out the semi-finalist gallery and vote for your favorite, who do you think deserves a 20,000 dollar home makeover with Tanya Memme? The website also offers some of Tanya's fantastic home transforming tips for your own place!
I am totally voting for the video with the little girls’ poem! I believe it's the second to last. So cute. Heaven knows with three triplets in a house that needs repair is dangerous enough but think of all the smells! Help this fantastic family out in getting the home makeover of their dreams by voting for them! Whichever family gets the most votes until June 8th 2008 will win! Voters can place their vote once a day until the deadline! Pick your favorite family then click on their little bubble to vote for them; the videos are hilarious and very creative! Renuzit is even offering a printable coupon no the site so you can try your own Renuzit Tri-scent and transform your own home! Go and vote and pick up some tips for yourself as well as a coupon!

Strep throat

Ugh So i have strep throat. I get it way too often along with tonsillitis. It's so sad that it feels normal for me to have it. I really should have my tonsils taken out but they want waaay too much money for about a 15 minute procedure. The sad part is that I probably spend more on anual doctors visits for the problem than the actual surgery. It's given me some home time again tho and i've started painting again. I can't believe how much I missed it.

Bright Feet Slippers Giveaway!

Do you ever stumble around your house in the middle of the night bumping into objects trying to reach the light switch? Well Save some bumps and bruises with Bright Feet Slippers! These ingenious slippers have an LED flashlight built into each toe! A sensor in the slipper alerts the light to turn on only when it's dark and there is pressure in the slipper so you can save battery power. Now you can get up and make it to the fridge for that midnight snack without turning on the lights and waking everyone else up! Not only are these slippers convenient but they are so cozy and come in different colors for boys and girls. They are great for locating emergency items like candles and first aid kits in a blackout or wear them for those late night errands! For me I would wear them all the time to take the trash out at night! How great would these be as a Mothers day gift, It's only a couple weeks away! It's a great gift for that new high school graduate to light their way down the dorm hall. Right now if you order two or more pairs of Bright Feet Slippers you get free shipping to anywhere in the US. These not so ordinary slippers have even been featured on QVC, NBC's Today show, The View and in Better Homes and Gardens as well as Real Simple magazine (my absolute favorite magazine!) They were most recently featured in a brand new book called "Gadget Nation" which just came out in bookstores last week!

Boston Ideas LLC. has given me the chance to let 2 lucky readers win their own pair of Bright Feet Slippers

How to Enter:
Visit Bright Feet Slippers website and and answer these simple questions!
1. Who is the Inventor of Bright Feet Slippers?
2. What is something you frequently bump into at night?
3. What color is your favorite pair?
Please leave your E-mail so that I can contact the winner! Blog about this giveaway for an extra entry, just leave me a comment letting me know you blogged about it!

Winners will be picked Sunday May 4th at 11:59 pm and contacted by Email. If A winner hasn't responded in 3 days a new winner will be picked.
Good luck!


Don't forget to pick up a pair for mothers day and a pair for you and receive free shipping!

Bed and Chocolate

Ugh I have the worst cramps. This only happens like a couple times a year. I feel icky. I'm in a chocolate coma and preparing mentally and physically for rewards night at Nordstrom on Friday. I work a split shift and have to shop with people till 11 pm.

retraction

I wronged. I upset. And I'm genuinely sorry my biggest foe is speaking and for me typing before I think.

Police Gear

Ever wonder where to get the best Military and police gear for the best price?
Look no further than LApolicegear.com they have the best uniforms, great prices and pictures so you can fully view the product. You have to check out the BDU pants they are my favorite! They look so comfortable but not only that they are the backbone basic pant of our military service men and women. They're great for all you outdoor enthusiasts too, with lots of colors to choose from like basic khaki or blue all the way to camo!

100th post giveaway!

Yeah! 100TH post! Thanks everyone for reading! So as a thank you to all your readers I'm having 3 solid weeks of giveaways! This weeks giveaway is for a brand spankin' new copy of SIMs 2 family fun stuff! Requires the Sims 2 though. I am a huge Sims 2 addict! Create your kids dreams bedrooms and jump on the beds with them as well as dress your families in all matching outfits for kids and adults a like!

Prize: EA games PC version The sims 2 family fun stuff. Rated T for teen. (windows)
To enter:
Write a post about my giveaway! That's it! Comment with a link to your post. Please please Leave your email so that I am able to contact the winner.
Winner will be chosen Wednesday April 23 and contacted.

Earth Day

Today is earth day and what do I find when I get up??! A giant catalog that nordstrom has so kindly printed and sent to eery employee that we get about ever other month that's full of fashion trends (as if we don't see them in the store) and about outstanding employees and stores and our benefits.... yes every other month and it happened to come on earth day.

Update

Things have been really busy around here between moving and school and work, not to mention that work has been painfully awful recently. All the employees have been brainwashed to not use the words "it's slow" but we are no supposed to use the phrase "we have less than desirable traffic!" They expect everyone to still be making their sales goals etc but they can't provide us with traffic. With the state of the economy people are afraid to shop. I used to be able to sell around 170 dollars and hour on average but now I am around 60 dollars an hour on average. It really hurts financially to me too. I'm thinking I may need to be looking at new jobs but i don't want to abandoned this job! But financially it's not the best decision. I found out this summer I am going to Huston. That should be fun, not that I ever really wanted to go to Huston but at least it's something to go do. We are going in August. I'll either come back tan or VERY VERY red considering I'm so fair; I don't' think I've had a tan since I was about 6! Tanning beds scare me too, plus I always feel like the girls and occasional men that work at the tanning places are really really RUDE it's like walking on to the set of The Hills too! Lots of drama and just about ever inch of them is fake. Yesterday I went to Alf's with a co-worker it's this hole in the wall 50's diner in the middle of nowhere McMiniville. It was a lot of fun. At the restaurant they have a separate area where it's a huge playroom and the owner brings her pet monkey there for the day, his name is Elvis. It's just a very comfortable place because most people that eat there have been going there since they were little. Whenever you try to recruit new people to go they freak out when you tell them there is a monkey there and think it's so unsanitary etc. ha! Yumm and they make their own ice cream there!

Friday's Feast

Appetizer

Name a color you find soothing.
Anything colored any shade of green!

Soup

Using 20 or less words, describe your first driving experience.
Very young, out in the country sitting on parents laps!
Salad

What material is your favorite item of clothing made out of?
Cotton and Spandex

Main Course

Who is a great singer or musician who, if they were to come to your town for a concert, you would spend the night outside waiting for tickets to see?
Kings of Convenience.. they never ever come here.

Dessert

What is the most frequent letter of the alphabet in your whole name (first, middle, maiden, last, etc.)?
That would be.. The letter R there are 4 in my whole name

Money for blogging!

Doesn’t everyone want to earn money while utilizing their passion for blogging? Now you can with PayPerPost! My friend Kristin told me about this great site where you can get paid to blog ! At first I thought it was too good to be true but then I went ahead and signed up for myself and I’m already earning money in only a couple days. You just submit your blog and when it’s approved you add a tiny one line code to your blog then it’s all up to you! You choose the opportunities that you want to do! Then you make your post, all while learning about awesome new products and services! You could easily make 20 dollars for your very first post! Kristin and I have since bonded over our passion for blogging and using PayPerPost! They have so many opportunities for you it really keeps in interesting every time! I can’t wait to make my fist 100 to go towards my new bed! Or maybe I should splurge on something! I’ve had my eye on a Wii! I’m so glad I decided to try PayPerPost for myself. I can’t believe how many opportunities I’ve already missed out on. If you love blogging too and want some extra income for the summer I really recommend PayPerPost. You’ll never find an easier way. You can even donate the money you earn to charities! What's not to love about that?

Meet My New Roommate!

This is Jessica and I! My new roommate. We have been friends for 20 years. Our parents met in Lamaze class, so we were born 2 weeks apart and have been friends since. Our apartment is in downtown salem, it's so cute and we can paint! It's in a little 4 plex so it's quite and i have a huge window.. which to me is really exciting coming from living in a basement with a window the size of a cereal box with views of dirt and peoples feet! Oh yeah, And it's 2 bed room 2 bathroom! TIs' funny that we've been friends for so long because we are complete opposites! Our friends would most likely not get a long and we have complete different interests, tastes in movies, and music but somehow it works for us.

Can't sleep

I've watched fatal attraction, Gotten into bed, read a little, drank some water and I still can't sleep. I'm not feeling to well either; I think I'm getting a cold. I"m freezing cold as well and my computer is right next to the heater so I decided to get on since I had to get up to defrost my body anyway. I'm just browsing away through stuff that I can use for work and I'm going to post my 5 favorite trends for spring and summer. But please don't be super trendy.. make them your own.

1. Art Class wear
2. High Waisted trousers
3. Double wrap belt
4. The Perfect Summer Dress
5. White

Celebrity Stylist

Ah! What a fantastic day at work. I know this probably sounds stupid but it was the most exciting part of my day so I have to revel in it! Today at work (nordstrom's) I got to help out a celebrity.. okay not really a celebrity anymore but back in the day. A teen actress from a very well known movie. I guess she lives here now. She was so friendly and sincere! So fun to work with! I feel a tiny b it cool today at least! So, it was the teenage girl in the first Jurassic Park movie. Her name is Ariana Richards. I just looked up her info on IMDB.com too and I guess she was in the movie Angus. If you haven't seen that movie you have to! It's fantastic. It can be hard to find though! For some reason I have the soundtrack.

Young Ariana Richards and Wilmer Valderrama

Manic Monday

Is there anything for which you would willingly give your life?
- I'd give my life to defend the rights for other generations that I think are important.
Not being a religious person I would still give my life to defend the right for others to have religious freedom, freedom of speech etc.. and my future family.

How would you communicate with someone if you didn't share a common language?
-It would be like a pictionary free for all!

Where is your ideal place/location to have a wedding?
-On our family farm :)

Looking forward to summer

My favorite place on this earth that I get to visit regularly is a tiny unknown yet not abandoned cemetery out in the country somewhere between Sheridan and McMinnville. It lies just off Christensen road in the middle of the country. From the road you wouldn’t even know it existed, there are no signs no way to peek through the trees to see what lies beyond, only a dirt road. Then, even more secretly beyond that dirt road is another smaller dirt road that is about the length of the main hallway in your house. Up an anthill sized hill you pull in and it’s a tiny cemetery. Half the size of a football field. This is Deer Creek cemetery. Although you wouldn’t know it by that name unless you grew up around it. I usually go there in the summer because we own a farm right across the street where you can swim in the creek. When you enter the cemetery it doesn’t feel dark or creepy or like a sad place. It feels hopeful. The air always smells sweet with all the hay that has been harvested around. Around the perimeter of the cemetery are big trees that kind of encase it in a circle. It looks well maintained although I’ve never seen anyone else up there. The sun always lightens it up in the middle of the trees and kind of makes it glow. It’s kind of like a mini plateau surrounded by an array of orchard type trees. You won’t find abandoned trinkets mini statues fake flowers and ribbons adorning these graves, they are much too old. You can expect to find hundreds of tree frogs that lie on top of the cement grave coverings sunning themselves and as soon as you walk by they jump into the cracks of the sunken cement surfaces. There aren’t very many graves here for the space that’s provided. They are very laid out and there are only about 5 different last names to the whole space. Most are old grave markers and are sectioned off by cement blocks on top next to the head stones. Some of the markers are unreadable and broken. I surprisingly think this is a beautiful place for a picnic. It’s not that I make a habit of hanging around in cemeteries it just happens to be a very beautiful place. There is one marker on the lower right hand side of the cemetery that states something like “so and so 1803-1887 and was ready” Then another person has engraved their name into the headstone who shares the same last name as the owner of the headstone. The grass isn’t very green it’s quite short and prickly but it’s better than dirt. On all sides of you is a view of plain fields. There is an abandoned patio table and chair up near where there is space for one car to park.

I just hope he is actually on drugs

Anyone who actually KNOWS what this guy is talking about wins a candy bar.
I swear he's related to president Bush jr.

Wordless Wednesday

New tune monday

Great video from The avalanches the entire song is comprised of sound clips put together.

Watch Oprah Pee

Last night around 1 Am my friend Jeff and I got the fabulous Idea to bake cookies and drive to Eugene??! I have no idea where the two came from. We went to Eugene listening to Shania Twain the entire way till we got to our friends house. After a couple glasses of wine we decided to watch this movie from 1998 called Beloved. Now, not only does Oprah Winfrey star in the film.. she also produced it. The movie has absolutely NO plot line and pretty much doesn't make sense and is about 3 hours long. It's good for a laugh though deffinatley. It's supposed to be about slavery and be empowering.. but, the movie is about Oprahs daughter who she killed and her daughters ghost is haunting the house till she comes from hell to seek her mother to pretty much live as a "nice" demon with her. OH, did I mention this daughter is mentally retarded too? Pretty much the daughters star line was "Touch me on the inside place and call my nammeeeee" Along with that are random shots of oprah peeing, giving birth, vomiting and killing children.
Great pick for family time :)
and the shot of oprah peeing is pretty much absolutely random she just gets this look on her face and runs over to the field and they film her peeing... like she had to take a bathroom break but they kept rolling the film and forgot to edit it out.

It's too bad it was supposed to be so serious because I pretty much couldn't stop laughing.


It's too bad there aren't any trailers or anything online I could find really...

Wordless wendnesday!

An ode to the snail.

My closet

Needs to be tackled.. Obviously. I'm afraid I might find a village of sub human species underneath all of last years clothes.

Is this you??

I found this blog that people post photos from cameras or memory sticks they've found in hopes of finding the owner. It seems to work and helped a lot of people claim their missing memories. So cool, even if you haven't lost anything it's just interesting to look at other peoples pictures. ha.
FOUND CAMERAS AND ORPHAN PICTURES
Such a neat idea. You can even browse through the scroll bar on the right hand side of the blog to view any found cameras from your area or areas you have visited.

I am Standoffish apparently

My manager is completely rude. Period. H.R. is useless. Today My boss was having little "performance chats" with us about selling and everything. She told me that She thinks I don't really try very hard and that she feels i just "get lucky" and people buy stuff. That really hurt my feelings. I do try the best that I can at my job and I know that there's little things I could do to be better but, that is just beyond hurtful....I"m starting to feel like a robot. Then later she told me that I am "stand-offish" was her word... apparently we are 16 and in high school again. Ridiculous. That just is stupid but it really hurt my feelings. I'm kind of stuck and don't know what to do. If I could tell her anything I would say: "I'm sorry I can't be the person that you want me to be, I am happy with who I am and that's all that I can be.. and that's who you hired." But that's the nice version. Sometimes I think she just gives me crappy shifts and glares at me and nit picks EVERYTHING just so I'll leave because she doesn't like me. When i got home tonight I took my dog on a really long walk. It was nice I think i'll start that more often than only walking to work.

New tune monday

Manu Chao (love him!) - Rainin' in paradize

great song. Sad video.

or... alternate version

7 Facts

The 7 Facts About Myself
I have been tagged by Kristin

The Rules
Link your tagger and list these rules on your blog.
Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog, some random, some weird.
Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blogs.
Let them know they are tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

The 7 Facts About Myself
1. I own a telescope
2. I"m frugal
3. I have nothing in common with my family
4. I was a tom boy growing up
5. I may look out of shape but I love to do outdoors stuff and wish more people wanted to with me
6. I make lists all the time.
7. I like to garden
I have tagged:
Teacher X
Jessica
Jason

20 best 90's songs you forgot.

Every year around this time I start missing the 90s and go on a 90's music kick. In honor of all my 90's downloading here is a list I've made of the best 90's songs you've most likely forgotten about(some from early 200). Because nothing is better than remembering a song you haven't heard in forever. (These are not arranged in any particular order. Click on the link for the video for extra nostalgia!

1. 3LW- No more (how did they not become popular but cheetah girls took off?
2. Beck- Where it's at
3. Anything by mariah Carey
4. Blur-Song 2
5. Bryan McKnight- back at one
6. Dream- He loves u not
7. Evan And Jaron- Crazy for this girl
8. FIlter- Take a Picture
9. Harvey Danger- Flag pole sitta
10. Jennifer Paige- Crush
11. Kandi- Don't think I'm not
12. Public Enemy- He got game
13. Robyn- Show me love
14. Soul Decision- Faded
15. Offspring- Pretty fly for a white guy
16. New Radicals- You get what you give
17. City High- What would you do
18. Dido- Thank you
19. Jewel- You were meant for me
20. Sonique- It feels so good


What songs would you guys add?

Happy Birthday?

So, today is my birthday. I am 20 years old today. I wish there was more to it than that.
Is there some kind of petition I can sign to nominate it for least exciting birthday of your youth?

New tune monday

Quite possibly the sweetest video ever aww.

Early Birthday

My friends from Eugene both had the night off as well as I and my friend that lives in keizer so my friends drove up here to Salem and we went to Keizer bought beer and chips and dip and rolls of dimes and played a lot of poker. :) It was so much fun to be able to see them all again. I'm really glad for spring break it made me realize how much I love hanging out with them because everyone moved when i moved to new jersey and when I got back it just wasn't the same. Hopefully it'll be better soon but I think 2 of them are moving away to Pennsylvania maybe :( Which would break my heart. NO ONE can make me laugh like the 3 of them . Oh yeah, and I lost 10 dollars in dimes :( haha

So excited!

So we just got our new free stuff handed out at work. I usually get all this stuff and it's like in a size small but today i got my things are I got a free Michael Stars shirt that's like 65 bucks and it fits and it's super cute!! I am in love it's so comfortable. I thought it was going to be way too small because it's one size fits (almost) like all of their other stuff. They have super cute clothes though. We just started carrying his stuff in TBD outside of Savvy (for those of you who shop at Nordstrom too much) I love love love it. I couldn't find a picture of it online but it's black square neck with elbow sleeves. Check out his other stuff, i see his ads in vogue all the time. Click on the picture to go to the site.

Meet Harold

This is Harold my rabbit. He is 1 and a half years old. Harold absolutely LOVES playing with plastic bags. He steals them from us when we unload the groceries. Sometimes he runs around the entire house doing this. <3

Snow white an evil dictator?

The other day I decided to watch that new movie Enchanted (besides being sorely disappointed) I noticed something, She was making the animals clean up HER mess in the cottage? Excuse me! Where do "Giselle" and Snow White get off forcing animals into labor for her? Maybe she deserved the poison apple.


" We adore each filthy chore
That we determine
So friends even though you’re vermin
We’re a happy working song"

Finals are over

Tomorrow finals are over. I will be so relieved. Nothing to worry about, stress free time. Until next term that is. I have gone to battle and come out alive. FREE.

Toe Etiquette

So the other day at work during our department meeting we had to have a discussion about foot Etiquette. It is pretty sad that this is a necessary discussion? It also validates my opinion that this is the most brain dead job in the world. Here is the little list that was passed out to us. So raise your toes and pledge too... please.

• My toes will not hang over and touch the ground, nor will my heels spill over the backs. And the sides and tops of my feet will not pudge out between the straps.
• I will go polish-free or vow to keep the polish fresh, intact and chip-free.
• I will not cheat and just touch up my big toe.
• I will sand down any mounds of skin before they turn hard and yellow.
• I will shave the hairs off my big toe.

• I won't wear pantyhose even if my misinformed girlfriend, coworker, mother, sister tells me the toe seam really will stay under my toes if I tuck it there.
• I promise to replace the tip of my heel once I wear it down to the nail so I won't click clack everywhere.

New Tune Monday

I was never a fan of the killers until I heard Read my mind from their album sams town.
This is their newest video. It's pretty good. I enjoy it.
If it doesn't make sense try thinking about the numbers in the right order

Bad Boyfriend

what do you do when you can't stand the guy that your best friend is dating?
When he talks about you behind your back.. keeping in mind I don't even know this guy.
He stole money out of his girlfriends bank account..
She's not the Girl i remember and became friends with :(
I miss her.
The girl i used to know wouldn't
steal medications from her disabled patients for her own use
give up her pet snake because she spent all of her money on alcohol instead
be with a man who for once made her doubt herself.
where did you go?
Please come back soon.

Any ideas people?

Man's a genius

I AGREE!

Re: Obama

In response to Kristin's blog post "Obama"

So I've been thinking about these things a lot too. I don't really feel like I am for either one of the democratic candidates this time around. I feel like Hilary maybe has a hidden agenda due to her past of dealing with the health care industry and drug companies and how in the past they've pretty much bought her over and I feel that Obama may be more talk than action and that he's not really prepared to follow through? I think we are at a point right now in history where we can either continue the path we are on which is not a good one or there's going to be a revolution one way or another. Can't you feel it? I feel like their is more youth now standing up saying what the want and they feel about politics because really, in the past the majority of voters is elderly... and they are deciding based upon their experiences and their values whats right for future generations. Shouldn't we make a decision what's right for us now? Anyways, I haven't really decided who I'd like to see in office but hopefully something better is coming. If I had to chose a candidate today it would be Ron Paul.. I guess it's the only option I see for change.
On another note...
The other day i was reading something and it said that Within the next few years that China would become the number one English speaking country in the world... food for thought.


Proud to be a Democrat

What the hell happened to her.

So it's been awhile since I've felt like myself. It's really kind of depressing. I'm sure its taking a toll on me. I don't do the things I enjoy anymore and my looks have really taken a toll hahaha. I feel like one of those women who this is the point in my life where if i don't change from things the way they are now then in 10 years people will just stop and think "what the hell happened to her" Yeah.

Plastic

So I've been thinking about this recently.. how much we ridiculously over use plastic! It's made for everything and it just sits in landfills unless it's the recyclable thing but you think someone seriously would have come up with a biodegradable alternative to it. So I think I'm going to take off on this trend of carrying around my own re-usable shopping bag... one that's easy to slip in my purse. How many things on your desk are made out of plastic at this moment?? Repost with your answer. For me.. about 20 something.
I've decided to post the 3 cutest re-usable eco-friendly shopping bag sites!! Click the pictures for the website.

























These are all so cute! The first site has lots of great bags for compact storage or heavy duty shopping. The second (feed) bag is a little bit spendy but when you purchase the bag you'll be doing double duty good, every purchase of this re-usable goes to feeding a child for one school year. The last site has fantastic modern and stylish choices in all sorts of colors and patters, they even have a set of organic bags and a whole section just for kids! Love it!

New Tune Monday

Josh ritter- Girl in the war

Broccoli trees

Dexter: what are you eating for lunch?
Me: Broccoli
Dexter: Are you pretending that you are a giant eating trees?




I think I found someone equally randomly amusing as me.

New tune Monday

So I've decided that every Monday I'm going to post a new song that I'm liking for the week. Each week should start out with a new song right??

So for this week I chose Satellite by Guster. It's not that it's a particularly "advanced" song but it's catchy and I love the scene it's set to in the new John Cusak movie Martian child. When they are doing the martian talk scene. So cute! "You're my satellite, you're riding with me tonight, passenger side, high in the sky, always the first star that I find"
Any ways.. enjoy.
And it's too bad the video really sucks.. they could have come up with something better.

Credit cards

These are one of the hugest stressors in human life.... but they are completely avoidable? So why do people choose to do this? Do credit card companies really lure youth in as well as adults? Or do we just not ever really learn the consequences of poor money management... why don't they teach useful stuff like this in school? Something that kids that don't even really pay attention or understand what year the war of 1812 was in can benefit from? Why do so many other people that are my age that I talk to already battling with credit problems? How have we let this become a problem for old and young alike? Isn't it kind of sickening that kids as young as 18 are killing themselves because they feel like there's no other way to escape the debt? I'm not gonna lie, it's definitely crossed my mind. Being a full time employee and a full time student is so stressful enough that the though of adding one thing onto i pretty much want to cry. It got to the point of throwing up every time a bill or letter came from one of the companies I owe money too. And then to top it all off if you even try to call them and explain or ask for help they transfer you to someone in India who can hardly speak English and it just makes you more angry...... the other day I called to change my address from new jersey to Oregon and I found out they had made my address in Salem morgan, Oregon. I mean seriously... come on how retarded do you have to be???! Anyways. I know eventually I'll get out of it.. but for now it's causing me way tooo much stress. There ought to be better things in place for this stuff. I wonder what percentage of kids actually owe money to credit companies... and now with school costs rising and kids taking out loans left and right.... I don't think that theres any way a kid who is at least age 25 hasn't taken out some kind of credit card or loan (oh yeah that's in a college) doesn't that just seem kind of odd? Like we can't even make it through out life without having someone loan us money and then adding an interest fee?

Wind

Wouldn't it be nice if a gust of wind just came up and blew me away to somewhere fantastic. Just float their on a gust of a wind ahhhh I can only imagine.


in other news
Go listen to page france
They are fantastic i don't know why it hasn't caught on yet.
www.myspace.com/pagefrance

Hairy spider for president- 08!

So last night I had a dream that this big huge black spider was running for president and I almost squished him, then when it came to elections I couldn't make up my mind between him and Ron Paul. Ha it was pretty amusing.

Oh my! You've got a huge..

Ego.
Yes you. You do. You know who you are! Do you think you are god? Posting pictures of yourself from every angle and pseudo "photo shoots" so you call them. To yourself you look pretty damn good but you've never looked more pathetically attention starved and ugly to me. You used to actually have a personality before you became an untouchable in your head. The whole world doesn't need to know that you will be 21 on the 22nd... like you tell us every day.. calm the fuck down... seriously. I hope for your birthday you get a hat that will cover your huge head asshole.

Lean Cuisine ..

Is seriously delicious.

Work

I am not looking forward to it today, although I assume that most people don't look forward to going to work. I have to have a discussion with my manager about my hours, I'm horrible at confrontation. Oh well, it needs to be done! There's this new girl at my work lets call her ... Brittney. I guess she used to work for Nordstrom before a long time ago but came back now after her divorce ( i think she's like 23) anyway how am I supposed to compete with her for sales? she is like a walking pile of enthusiasm and happiness, I swear like rainbows and little bunnies and birds follow her as she walks around. It's ridiculous. The other day she told me " I JUST LOVE PEOPLE I LOVE MAKING CONNECTIONS WITH PEOPLE!" Now read that with the same enthusiasm joan rivers has when she spots someone wears an awful dress to the Oscars. But somehow people buy into it. Ugh.

Things on my desk at this minute

This is what's on my desk at this moment
it's been awhile since I cleaned

3 water bottles
1 full can of slim fast
1 bottle of alieve
1 bottle of prescription cough syrup
1 lonely earring
1 measuring tape
1 stranded dvd of sex and the cd
1 can of febreeze
1 eye dropper a pair of scissors
1 cell phone
1 desk size calender ( still for the month of January)
1 roll of tape
a stack of text books
a pair of scissors
a pop a point pencil
and a pair of speakers
oh yeah
and a fake gray mustache

That's tacky

Today on the way home from visiting with someone I haven't seen in a long time I was just sitting in the car thinking about my past and my future just pondering random things and then i looked in my rear view mirror and i saw a giant rainbow at that moment .. i wanted to puke. god. Why did "god" have to tacky it up.

Child support

Is such bullshit.


Seriously.

Personal Ads

So I've got to admit that from time to time when I'm bored I like to read the craigslist personal ads. Tonight I stumbled across one where the headline was " I'll buy you dinner and gas!" Has that what romance has come down to? You gotta buy dinner AND gas? What a romeo.

Velour

Today browsing the clearence racks at target I found a pair of 8 dollar velour sweatpants. It was at this moment I decided to join the rest of the work and join the velour sweat suit trend which with my luck is probably already out of date except for the Juicy coutue and rihinestone studded BCBG ones. They have to be the ugliest pants ever but the comfort is fantastic. I can't but help of think of the mom from MEAN GIRLS in her pink velour sweatsuit every time I see them but oh well.

and in other news,
I just spent 300 dollars on text books WOOOOOOOO

For some reason this year it just didn't feel like Christmas yet. I wanted another week or two. I feel that I didn't really get into the whole super cold weather and "holiday cheer" stuff. But then on Christmas it started to snow during the afternoon for a few hours it was fantastic. It's the first time it's snowed here on Christmas in 17 years. Then my dads side of the family came over....
they are the biggest bunch of lunatics no joke.
My cousin is permanently ill but there's a point where babying him is just toooo much. I swear he's going to end up like the guy from psycho keeping his dead mothers body in his basement pretending to be her when he's like 40. She seriously asked him after he went to the bathroom "did you wash? Did you put the seat down? Did you use toilet paper?" seriously what the hell haha god that caught me so off guard. Later on she asked him if she could help him cut up his ham for him..... oh yeah... and he's 12!
I didn't really get anything I asked for for Christmas but oh well. I think i got like a lint roller and that was the most exciting gift I got because I can never find one for me jacket. It was fun making fun of my dads family with mom though after they left.
My dads brothers gift takes the cake though. He is going through his midlife crisis and decided to give the entire family a mixed CD of songs that "move" him. How pathetic and cheap can you get. He just moved to Ireland so hopefully at least I can weasel a trip over there for his upcoming "nuptuals" to some kraut.

Working Christmas eve was pretty nuts. I can't believe how many people save all their shopping till the last minute. I'm kind of happy it's over and hopefully I can get all my bills paid now and such before its too late.
debt is one of the most sickening feelings.

So life has been kind of blah lately but I feel like things are picking up. I'm making money again paying my bills possibility of moving again I've got my close friends back. Went out to sushi with Lee today and watched the movie AWAKE it was pretty okay don't know if you have to see it in theaters but deffinatley wasn't oh god i knew that was going to happen thriller.

Tyra has a god complex

So I've got tonsillitis again for about the 500th time in the past year and a half. On Monday I have an appointment to talk with a ear nose and throat specialist about finally getting my tonsils removed I guess I have some thing where I've had tonsillitis and strep so much that my tonsils are permanently enlarged. gross. So I was reading about tonsillectomies in adults and some say that the recovery hurts worse than child birth. Oh god. the recovery time is about 2 to 3 weeks and there can be abnormal bleeding in the the throat. I'm really nervous and I haven't even scheduled the surgery yet. Christmas is coming up soon. I usually ADORE this time of year but it seems to soon I feel like I'm being rushed towards Christmas. I'm not even going to be able to afford Christmas shopping until the 20th of December. I went to Chemeketa to turn in my Psychology book (what B.S. class) and they told me it wasn't worth anything because they changed the edition. Seriously Someone should come up with an idea for renting text books. pay like 5 bucks each month for every text you have out. It's smart then you're guaranteed not to be stuck with a book that's worthless. I think I failed both my classes this term trying to work too much. It's really frustrating. I'm a b student and I failed for the first time in college. Oh well finals are over and it's Christmas break now!

So I had a thought the other day.....If the idea of Christianity leads to heaven who does Christ worship? Himself? Another religious icon? Maybe he's just really really really narcissistic. Like "heaven" is just a big church devoted to himself with stain glass pictures of all the "amazing" things he's done so he can look at himself every day. Kind of like Tyra Banks on her talk show and "Americas' Next Top Model"

Anyways I have to go into work today at least I talked them down to only working for 4 hours instead of 9. I still feel like my head is going to explode. I'm supposed to work tomorrow but I Really don't want to. I'd rather go to Portland and powells with Jess. YAY biggest book store on the west coast. It really is amazing it's an entire city block and like 3 stories full of books. Is it wrong to fake your own death to get out of work?

Jessica SImpsons

For some reason I decided it would be festive to listen to the only Christmas cd i could find which happened to be a Jessica Simpson Christmas C.D. which is enough to induce suicide.

sickness

So I've got tonsillitis again for about the 500th time in the past year and a half. On Monday I have an appointment to talk with a ear nose and throat specialist about finally getting my tonsils removed I guess I have some thing where I've had tonsillitis and strep so much that my tonsils are permanently enlarged. gross. So I was reading about tonsillectomies in adults and some say that the recovery hurts worse than child birth. Oh god. the recovery time is about 2 to 3 weeks and there can be abnormal bleeding in the the throat. I'm really nervous and I haven't even scheduled the surgery yet. Christmas is coming up soon. I usually ADORE this time of year but it seems to soon I feel like I'm being rushed towards Christmas. I'm not even going to be able to afford Christmas shopping until the 20th of December. I went to Chemeketa to turn in my Psychology book (what B.S. class) and they told me it wasn't worth anything because they changed the edition. Seriously Someone should come up with an idea for renting text books. pay like 5 bucks each month for every text you have out. It's smart then you're guaranteed not to be stuck with a book that's worthless. I think I failed both my classes this term trying to work too much. It's really frustrating. I'm a b student and I failed for the first time in college. Oh well finals are over and it's Christmas break now!

So I had a thought the other day.....If the idea of Christianity leads to heaven who does Christ worship? Himself? Another religious icon? Maybe he's just really really really narcissistic. Like "heaven" is just a big church devoted to himself with stain glass pictures of all the "amazing" things he's done so he can look at himself every day. Kind of like Tyra Banks on her talk show and "Americas' Next Top Model"

Anyways I have to go into work today at least I talked them down to only working for 4 hours instead of 9. I still feel like my head is going to explode. I'm supposed to work tomorrow but I Really don't want to. I'd rather go to Portland and powells with Jess. YAY biggest book store on the west coast. It really is amazing it's an entire city block and like 3 stories full of books. Is it wrong to fake your own death to get out of work?

Losing

You know when you're on the beach as a kid and you stand right next to the water so that when a wave finally comes up it will run over your feet and you wait for that minute when you stand still and the wave goes back out again and it feels like your moving and all the sand slips out from under your toes. That's kind how life feels right now except without the giggling and excitement that it will happen again the next time a wave comes. It feels like I'm standing still and then all of a sudden everything comes at once and then gets pulled out from under me. I should be moving... moving forward that's what everyone else does but then once that feeling is gone I still realize that I'm in the exact same spot I was before.

I feel so guilty

The one thing I do hate about Nordstrom is.... I feel so guilty like forcing people to buy WAY over priced socks and accessories. The other day I sold this elderly lady 90 dollars worth of hosier that I'm sure she DIDN'T need. Just because I kept showing her things and was like oh my goodness you have to get this! And she bought it all :( Sorry. I feel like such a fraud doing stuff like that. Like pressuring people to buy stuff. It's cheap. I would rather work in cosmetics because I can see the value of paying like 24 dollars for foundation because you put it on your skin and it has chemicals in it so you don't want something cheap but dear god no one NEEDS one pair of 24 dollar juicy couture socks.

Busy busy bee

I've had one of the craziest Busiest weeks ever. I've been working just about every day like 10 hour days. And now that Nordstrom is having their Half yearly sale it's even busier at work. I am liking the job a lot except for the standing for 9 hours thing is really getting to me god I hate it. I'm starting to fall behind in school which sucks and it's really frustrating and stressful but today I went in to the college and talked to an academic adviser finally about how to get everything organized and finish my transfer degree. The other day on my way to work I tripped and fell really bad on the concrete and cut up my hand my ankle and my knee and sprained my other ankle it's still swollen and sore, but, some lady saw me fall and was really nice and stopped and was really concerned if I was okay. I remembered her business on the side of her car from Picture people and she gave me a ride the rest of the way to the bus stop then bought me java crew coffee lol It's good to know that there are still some nice people in this world that are genuine and aren't too busy for anyone but themselves. I really appreciated that a lot. Today when I went in to chemeketa on my way back home in Keizer this elderly lady was trying to make a left hand turn and didn't see me and went across my lane and I had to slam on my brakes and i was just like praying in the car that it would stop in time like a second before it would have hit.. but unfortunately it did hit. There is very very minimal damage. which is really lucky.And she was very shaken up but okay and i was fine. I feel so bad for her though if it was my car and not my mothers I probably would just be like it's okay you don't have to fix it but after the cars collided and she was at a stop she just sunk down in her seat and stuck her hands to her face and I thought she was just going to bawl. Ugh I know I probably shouldn't feel bad for her just because she's elderly but blah. I have too big of a heart. Jamie might be coming up to salem today hoorah. I wish she still lived here but oh well. Anyway I should probably get caught up on all of my missing assignments. I feel so bad for that lady still, god.

Job

It looks like my financial problems have a resolution!
I finally got a call back from Nordstrom this afternoon while
reading books on the floor of borders with my friend Jess.
I got a full time position there working in the hosiery/accessories
department. I'm pretty excited I start tomorrow. But also kind
of nervous.
I had fun with Jessica today. She's one of my only friends in my life right now
that is like steady and not just making a complete nark of themselves.
Oh well.
I'm addicted to Coconut body butter from the body shop
and I just ran out. I HAVE to get more. It's the only thing
that makes my skin stop itching and and It smells so delicious!

now I have to pick out an outfit to wear tomorrow!
I want to wear these muted silver leaf earrings but I can only find one of the
pair.... like all the rest of my earrings.

The Times they are a changin'

I spent most of the day cleaning my room finally which meant unpacking all of
the things from new jersey. I felt so angry doing it. I know I subconsciously put it off
for so long because.. well I'll admit it now. I am so god damn angry with myself for giving up
for leaving so soon and right now at this exact moment I feel like im still not ready to be back from jersey. I still want to be over there. Why did I have to come home? Why did I have to give up so quickly like I do on EVERYTHING. When un packing I found notes from my mom about how proud of me she was and a postcard of new York and other encouragement from friends. When I moved away my friendships here were never stronger. I felt that people genuinely cared. Does it really take 5000 miles these days to make a good relationship. I actually talked to my sister and people seemed genuinely excited for me as I was for myself. Doing something so grandeur in my life that I always dreamed of but never thought would actually happen. I don't think that I could ever go back though. I don't have the means to go back. I didn't even give it a chance. What kind of chance is 2 months. And right when I came home It wasn't exciting no one ran up and hugged me said "I'm so glad that you're back." Ugh I guess I just am really disappointed in myself A LOT these days. Not just about Jersey but about everything. I'm slipping on my school work and I'm in debt right along with my parents my relationships with that of my family and friends are on very tangled strings. I'm not productive, I haven't even painted in like half a year. I'm not where I thought I would be at this point in my life. I'm idiling and the clutch is stuck. Something needs to change. In just about every aspect of my life. I have to change myself. Stop blaming it on stupid things and "man up" okay woman up.

Have you ever ended a friendship and actually felt good about it?
It can feel amazing like something you've been putting off forever
and then you do it and you just feel like you've finally accomplished something
and you have the feel of relief.
It's amazing
it's like drugs that sheer stress relief.

Had a job interview with the real estate agency office for the
state gov. buildings. I think it went pretty good. I should know pretty soon
I would love that job! Definitely a good foot in the door job.
Fingers are being crossed!

So I got most everything situation with federal student aid today.
Glad I finally got that taken care of now that i'm into my second year of
college and have never used FASFA. Now I'm just thinking I need to take out
a stafford loan then I can continue on with college.
I am pretty sure I narrowed it down to two schools I would love to go to
next year. It's between PNCA and linfield College. Both have amazing things about them
that I love and both have things that I could live without.
So who knows.

Taken from a news report at seen on comcast.net

Almost a third of all apes, monkeys and other primates are in danger of extinction because of rampant habitat destruction, the commercial sale of their meat and the trade in illegal wildlife, a report released Friday said.

Of the world's 394 primate species, 114 are classified as threatened with extinction by the World Conservation Union.

The report by Conservation International and the International Primatological Society in Hainan, China, focuses on the plight of the 25 most endangered primates, including China's Hainan gibbon, of which only 17 remain.

"You could fit all the surviving members of the 25 species in a single football stadium; that's how few of them remain on Earth today," said Russell A. Mittermeier, president of Conservation International


That's insane! Especially that last part.

Being the amazing procrastinator that I am, I gave myself 10 minutes to write and submit a 300 word descriptive paper on the topic of my choice.....
It ended up being a 300 word paper about my purse.
and received an A. Who knew it was possible to write 300 words
about your purse.


Other than that this whole family rough patch is really kind of sucking.
It's so frustrating to have my parents fighting and then for some reason
because my mom fucked up and put us in debt
everything is my fault because I'm the oldest child?
Today I got blamed for not being able to go grocery shopping.
Maybe you should have taken away moms credit cards!
I guess like mother like daughter eh?
Hers are all on her desk cut up like confetti now.
God I hope this ends soon.

I got a call from one of the departments from the state buildings for an interview
which would be an amazing job. Complete with a huge potential in for any other job for the rest of my life working for the state (can you say... great benefits!) I just wish someone would call me soon. My parents need me out. I'm surprised they haven't asked me to sell a kidney or plasma yet. There's always tomorrow.

Lately.

Wow, It’s been quite awhile since I’ve written anything and yet there’s been a whirl wind of stuff that’s happened. I haven’t had time or the emotional capacity to form an entire entry lately. First off a week ago on Thursday the 11 a childhood friend and adulthood acquaintance of mine was struck by a cement truck while riding her bike downtown Portland. My parents have never been very emotional people. My mom hates hugs and saying I love you and all that stuff. This isn’t the first time I’ve had to bury a friend and yet they don’t even bother to ask me if I’m okay. They don’t ask me if I want to talk about it they pretend it hasn’t happened or just say “oh wow, when’s the funeral” When Jared died they didn’t even care and my mom wouldn’t even take me to the funeral. She made me get a ride with someone and he was my first love. Tracey’s funeral was very sad I was hoping I wouldn’t cry but I did. Of course. I’ve been slacking in school a lot lately too I have so much work to make up and my internet is down all I have is the computer upstairs which my sister refuses to let me use because she’s filling out college applications. Also this past week my father decided in addition to letting my sister take my moms care to drive to school he was going to go out and buy her a car. Are they fucking serious? I for one never got a car whenever I asked and was never allowed to drive myself to school occasionally or to work. I had to ride the bus. I feel like there were a lot of things in high school that I wanted to do and had to miss out on because I never had transportation. My parents treat her like the prodigal son. Of course she gets good grades but that’s about it. She sits on her ass and eats food and looks like a blubbery hunch back. She doesn’t know how to use the dishwasher and she just learned how to use the laundry machine. She watches more TV than anyone in the entire world combined should be allowed to watch. Then today I’m trying to fix the internet so I can finish my school work for the week when I’m upstairs and my dad is treating me like I know NOTHING about the computer telling me what he did to it to fix the wireless network. ( uhh I’m the one that installed the entire wireless network in the first place because he didn’t know how to do it. Anyways, my princess sister had an obnoxious friend over named Ryan and I was having a private discussion with my dad about how it wasn’t working and this guy has the nerve in OUR household to say to me “maybe it’s karma” YOU FUCKING BITCH. Seriously I wanted to rip his head off. You have no right to fucking talk crap to me when you’re in my house and I wasn’t even speaking to you. Butt out asshole. So I told him what he could do with his karma and then I got punished. How the fuck do you punish a 19 year old? God. Then my parents pull my aside and go into this whole thing about how I’m a huge disappointment and I’ll never be a success in life and pretty much hinting that if I just killed myself now that their problems would be over. Apparently my mom fucking racked up 30,000 dollars in debt and then my dad is paying for it now. After he just shelled out all the money for my sisters’ car. Haha “maybe it’s karma” So pretty much they said I’m not their responsibility anymore and that I should just leave and pay my own way in life pay for food, school, housing, a car, med. Bills and everything on my own. I’m sorry but the moment that they decided to not wear a condom I became their responsibility for the rest of their lives. I think sometimes I was their practice child and then they realized oh fuck we’re not ready so they waited to years and had my sister.. who is their real child. Anyways I have to go stay with a friend tonight ( not that I feel like I have very good friends right now) because my parents want me out for good. Because I’m too much of a strain on the economics?? Wtf look around my room and through my things I dare them to name 10 things that they’ve bought for me in the last 10 years that wasn’t a gift for Christmas or a birthday! Anyways other than that in life I’ve been feeling really confused. I don’t know what I believe in anymore. It was really hard to lose Tracey even though we weren’t that close anymore it’s just kind of a wake up call like.. Take a look around everything can be gone in an instant. You never know what happening next. I doubt that she would have any regrets about her life because she was such a warm person and achieved so much in her short life. I just don’t know anymore. If I died right now I would have so many regrets and so many things that I wish I would have done and yet I don’t see myself striving to achieve those things. I feel like I do the same thing every day. I don’t even try. Anyways there really is a lot more too all of this and the way that I feel lately but this entry is already long enough. It’s the very brief version.
I need some help, or some support and I feel like I’m
Searching for it in a pitch black room full of knives.
Out.

STOP BLOODY ASKING ME IF I AM OKAY.
I AM NOT OKAY.

I've got no more fight left in me.